Money In The Bank 2019 Hopes and Predictions!

I had nearly completed a full recap of this week's Raw and Smackdown Live for publishing here, but for whatever fucking reason, the system didn't save all my work and honestly, I'm not going to rewrite it. So forgoing that computerized fuckery, I'm going to go all in with my usual pre-PPV Hopes and Predictions column for Sunday's Money in the Bank PPV!

First off, this has been a big week for wrestling news outside the ring, both good and really bad. As far as the bad, former WWE superstar Ashley Massaro died at the age of 39 on Thursday of as-of-yet undetermined causes, although publications like The New York Post are running with the story of an "apparent suicide" fueled by longtime depression and fallout from concussions from her in-ring work, and that's been debunked by many since this came from a fake Facebook post from some asshole posing as one of her best friends. Despite not being familiar with her work, that is way too early of an age, and the impact was felt by many other performers around the world, and my thoughts are with her family and friends. Also on the darker side of news was that Ric Flair was at the hospital on Thursday with what was originally reported as an "emergency medical condition" by most of the dirt sheets (and some of the really shitty dirt sheets were already announcing his passing), but his son Conrad Thompson says that this was a planned procedure, and even though there have apparently been some complications with the actual performing of the procedure, it looks like everything's going to be fine. So fuck you, shitty dirt sheets. And then there's the ongoing saga of Triple H reportedly being "frustrated" with Vince's creative direction for the main roster shows. And in the immortal words of John McClane, to Hunter I have only one thing to say: Welcome to the party, pal! But on the good side of things, AEW announced at the network upfronts this week that TNT has secured their broadcast rights for showing All Elite Wrestling in a weekly live show. This is huge for the "pissant" company that also happens to have some of the best performers in the business who aren't already locked into stunningly restrictive multi-year contracts with WWE. Matt and Nick Jackson have already stated that AEW is going to be much less "soap opera" and much more concentrated on the physical side of things and in-ring storytelling. So basically, it sounds like an American version of New Japan, and I couldn't be more excited for these gals and guys. It's going to be an interesting time when they hit the airwaves.

So... Money In The Bank! If you haven't read my Hopes and Predictions column in the past, here's a primer for ya: I don't know what the order of matches will be, and I don't care, so I tend to discuss what I think are going to be the easier ones to call and then move on to the ones that demand a little more speculation. And I include my Hope for each match, which can be really ultra-specific (and definitely a little silly) and my Prediction for each match, which is what I think that WWE will actually do. Got it? Good. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Let's kick it off with the two Women's Championship matches where we have the same champ defending both, and that's Becky Two Belts. On the Raw side of things, we have Lacey Evans as the challenger, and on the Smackdown side of things, there's Charlotte Flair. I can already tell you that the better of the two matches is going to be Becky vs Charlotte. That's pretty much a no-brainer. Evans has had, what, one match on the main roster? And the rest of the time, it's been cutting cringe-inducing promos and the occasional sucker punch. So that's going to be Becky really carrying that one. The sad thing is that I can kind of see Lacey giving Vince the impression that she can actually carry the Raw Women's division and strapping the rocket to her back, but thankfully, I don't see that happening. I see Evans as the de facto villain since Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss have been having injury problems, Ruby Riott is MIA, and Ronda Rousey is essentially gone from WWE for the foreseeable future. As far as Charlotte is concerned, as I stated in an earlier recap, I'm glad they're doing this now because I don't want this feud to keep sticking around. I want it to be over and done with because Bayley was right: we've seen this match a lot over the last year and it's time to move on and give Becky some new competitors to take on. So it's best to get it out of the way while Charlotte can make the claim that since she wasn't pinned at Mania so she should still be Smackdown champ. When I step back and look at this, I feel like Becky might be better served by only having one title to defend, but in the moment that we're in, I can't see Becky losing to either of these challengers and not this early, but there is the outside chance that Charlotte will walk away with the Smackdown belt just to give Smackdown its own champ. Whoever meets her first is going to almost certainly lose to Becky, and the second challenger will charge the ring and put a beatdown on Becks so I'm thinking that it's going to be Evans first and Charlotte nearer the end of the night. Either way, the Lass Kicker is going to remain Becky Two Belts. Will a cash-in happen in either match, though? It's too soon.

Hopes for Raw Women's Title: Becky Lynch retains by beating the MAGA out of Lacey
Prediction for Raw Women's Title: Becky Lynch retains

Hopes for Smackdown Women's Title: Becky Lynch retains by bashing Charlotte in the head with a tea kettle
Prediction for Smackdown Women's Title: Becky Lynch retains

The next one that feels easy to call is A.J. Styles vs champ Seth Rollins for the Universal title. I don't necessarily think this will be the match of the night, but on paper, it has the chance to be. You have two of the very best on the main roster in a big title fight, and while it doesn't really have that "big fight feel" that it should have, they've done their best. A.J. doesn't really seem hungry enough to take it. I feel that if A.J. had turned full heel, this match might have the heat that it deserves. But I don't see A.J. being embraced as Universal champ so soon after Seth finally got it off of Brock Lesnar's waist. The build to this match has got me feeling kind of lukewarm about it, and maybe because it just doesn't feel like the outcome is in question. Again, a cash-in might be fun, but I think that the whole point of having the briefcase is to carry it around for a while, so I wouldn't expect one. I definitely see the Beast Slayer retaining.

Hope: Seth Rollins retains by distracting A.J. Styles by shaving his beard with a Gillette razor and then hitting him over the head with a globe
Prediction: Seth Rollins retains

Another one that feels super easy to call is the grudge match between Roman Reigns and Elias. This has been kind of a clusterfuck from the jump with Shane O'Mac getting way way too heavily involved for anyone to really enjoy it. The obvious choice is to have Reigns go over, and that's exactly why I don't think he will. This whole rivalry and all the Shane that's they've been shoving in our faces every episode indicate to me that Shane will somehow get involved to either get Elias the win or causing a DQ finish. I just don't think that Vince is smart enough to let Elias win cleanly, and I don't see Roman losing clean to Elias. So I feel safe in stating that there will be a schmozz in this match that will have Roman on his back at the end of the match.

Hope: Roman Reigns wins by spearing Elias into the front three rows
Prediction: Elias wins after Shane changes the rules of the match

Another one that feels easy is the steel cage grudge match with The Miz vs Shane McMahon. Honestly, this feels like it will depend on the Reigns/Elias match. If they schmozz that match up, they're not going to do it with this one. It's either going to be one or the other, because the crowd will only take one of these in one evening. And in order to keep Miz's unlikely babyface success going, and tone down Shane's over-involvement in so many storylines, Miz should go over. First and foremost, Miz is a massively talented superstar and Shane can only get people to sell those rabbit punches for so long before people start to really get sick of it. Second of all, this feud has been mid-card quality (which is fine), and mid-card rivalries should last for two PPV's at most. After that, it's time to move on. And again, if Shane wins, it's only going to give him more bragging rights that will carry him through Summerslam, and that's unacceptable. He's already done Mania with this feud, and he's been coming out on top or escaping and that needs to end.

Hope: Miz wins and Shane quits in-ring competition
Prediction: Miz wins

Also what seems to be in the "easy call" column is the WWE Championship match between Kevin Owens and champ Kofi Kingston. Kofi's victory at Mania has solidified his legacy as one of the greats, but it was also a major win for WWE from both a historical and social perspective. Having any person of color as WWE Champ is something they do very rarely and Kofi's momentum has been incredible going into Mania and I have to commend Creative for running with this storyline. And Kofi having the strap means so much to so many people that to throw it away on a decent rivalry seems like it would be a huge mistake. This is a championship that will have to be torn from Kofi by the worst of all rivals. And as great as KO is in general, he's not the guy to take Kofi's title from him. But again, in the back of my head, I see the possibility of Owens taking that belt as a way of Vince trolling the audience. And could there be a cash-in? You know what? No. None of these things are happening. It's Kofimania, kids, so let's enjoy this ride for a while.

Hope: Kofi Kingston retains by pinning KO with a handstand
Prediction: Kofi Kingston retains

Moving to the pre-show, there's the Cruiserweight Championship match between Ariya Davari and champ Tony Nese. Honestly, at this point, do we even care? 205 Live has been made obsolete by the departure of Mustafa Ali and Cedric Alexander. Buddy Murphy is the only one left to really keep an eye on, but the last fun match he had was against Velveteen Dream on NXT.

Hope: Ariya Davari wins because why not?
Prediction: Tony Nese retains

Also on the pre-show is a non-title match between The Usos and Smackdown Tag champs Daniel Bryan and Rowan. I'm not nearly as hyped about this match as I should be because A: it's a pre-show match and B: it's barely a grudge match. These are two teams with decent chemistry and will likely put on a good match, but both these teams are on different brands (not that it really matters after the "wild card" rule), so it's just a match to get the crowd warmed up. It'll be fine, but I don't think this is a match anyone is clamoring for.

Hope: The Usos win by putting Ucey Hot in Rowan's beard and Bryan has to knock him out to stop the pain
Prediction: Daniel Bryan and Rowan win

We have another title being defended that is a little more up in the air, and that's Rey Mysterio vs champ Samoa Joe for the United States title. I still find this rivalry weird. I know that it's the little guy/big guy dynamic that WWE sometimes really makes work, but in recent months, it seems like Rey has lost a step or two since his return. When he came back, he seemed like he was working better than he had in his whole life, but the inevitability of time catches us all. Hell, I'm 44 and I can barely walk from the house to the car, so I can't imagine the condition Rey's body is in after two decades in the biz. And frankly, I see no reason for Mysterio to win here. I know the story they're trying to build is one of redemption for Rey after his embarrassing >1 minute loss to Joe at Mania, and he had a really awkward roll-up victory over Joe a few weeks back, but this seems like it's going to be the match they wanted to have at Mania, but it should still end with Joe going over. We haven't seen nearly enough of Joe on Raw recently, and keeping the belt on him should give him some more momentum going forward, but since Raw doesn't know what the hell they're doing from week to week anyway, I can see this match going either way.

Hope: Samoa Joe retains in less than 30 seconds and then cuts a 5-minute promo
Prediction: Rey Mysterio wins the title

And now finally onto the actual ladder matches, and we'll start with the Men's MITB match. So we have Mustafa Ali, Intercontinental champ Finn Balor, Randy Orton and Andrade from Smackdown and Ricochet, Baron Corbin, Drew McIntyre and Sami Zayn from Raw. First, let's scratch the people who don't need it and/or shouldn't have it. Balor shouldn't have it because his pre-match posing is going to start looking really awkward with a briefcase in his hand. Ricochet doesn't need it because he's going to stay on the mid-card until he can eventually get a shot at the US title. Randy Orton doesn't need it and shouldn't have it because he can literally insert himself into the title picture at any time anyway. Despite being the "odds-on" favorite, McIntyre doesn't need it because he needs a good rivalry that will eventually get him into the title scene. Ali shouldn't have it because he just isn't the guy yet, and I want him to get into the title picture on his own steam. So that leaves Corbin, McIntyre, Zayn and Andrade. Of all of these, the two who would look best with the briefcase are Andrade and Zayn. Andrade can just have Zelina Vega carry it around for him, and Sami can just carry it around out of sheer contempt. I personally can't see Corbin carrying it again so soon after the 2017 win and failed cash-in. So really, it's between Andrade and Sami. Because of how Sami weaseled his way into the match by beating Braun Strowman and taking his spot, and the fact that the company actually seems pretty hot for him finally, I can see him taking it. Andrade has also been doing some pretty terrific stuff since his reemergence in the few months preceding Mania, but his rivalry should be against Finn and not yet for the WWE title. Any way you cut it, though, expect Braun to make an appearance and wipe out Sami for a while since this is technically a No DQ match.

Hope: Sami Zayn wins the briefcase by verbally berating all of the other competitors into submission
Prediction: Sami Zayn wins the briefcase

And now onto the Women's MITB match. We have Natalya, Naomi, Dana Brooke and Nikki Cross from Raw and Carmella, Bayley, Mandy Rose and Ember Moon from Smackdown. Natalya doesn't need it because again, she can insert herself into a title picture at any time. Carmella shouldn't have it because she's already won it. Naomi shouldn't have it because she should develop a good rivalry. Dana shouldn't have it because that's too much for her, and if they want her in a top spot, they need to show us more of what she can do. Bayley doesn't need it because she's like Nattie in regard to getting a title shot pretty much whenever. So that leaves us with Ember, Mandy, and Nikki Cross. Personally, I would love to see Nikki with the briefcase. She's not ready for it, but what a character to have wielding the power of the briefcase. She'd be so fun to see having that power and constantly teasing it, and it would make it even sweeter with her having it at the expense of Alexa Bliss, whose spot she was given because Alexa wasn't medically cleared for the match. It would make arguably the best story of any of them. But they're just not going to go that way because that might actually be fun, clever and interesting. Ember is just way too low on the board for her to believably carry the case, so that leaves the only real choice as... ugh... Mandy Goddamn Rose. Vince obviously sees something in her that the rest of us don't, but she has improved. And it feeds into Becky's narrative about Vince's type: she's a beautiful blonde big-titted woman. The only interesting angle they could play after her win would be about what happens between her and Sonya Deville afterwards. Does Sonya become her muscle? Does she become jealous? Does Mandy reveal that she's only been using Sonya? Any one of these scenarios could play out, but I absolutely see Vince going that way.

Hope: Nikki Cross wins the briefcase by biting all the other competitors' legs off
Prediction: Mandy Rose wins the briefcase

Wait, there's one other prediction that I have to make, and that's that this particular PPV will be the least-watched in real time in the WWE Network's history. Why? Because it's going up against the series finale of Game of Thrones. And a lot more people, myself included, are looking forward to seeing that than a PPV that I can watch later.

So that's it for my traditional Hopes and Predictions column! I'll have a look back at this week's action from NXT and NXT UK tomorrow or Sunday, and then back to my regularly scheduled recap of Raw and Smackdown, at least provided there are no further technical difficulties!

Until next time, kids...

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