So it's the go-home week for the Red and the Blue Brands, and we're going to get some finalized cards for Mania (with a slight chance of swerve). But before we get into any of this, the first thing that I need to discuss is the massive elephant in the room from a cultural perspective that dropped on Sunday night, and that's the 23-minute "main story" segment from Last Week Tonight with John Oliver where he discussed the not-illegal-but-absolutely-unethical business practices that have been used practically since the beginning of the WWF/E by one Vincent Kennedy McMahon. This is arguably the single best segment ever about the WWE from a pop cultural standpoint, and that should really mean something. Oliver's show is one of the few reasons I kept HBO for as long as I did until I found that you could watch the entire show on YouTube, and the main story segments are as in-depth (if not more so) than anything you'd see on just about any news network. He took as deep of a dive as possible into the three-plus decades of WWE within 23 minutes and really hit home when it came to wrestler's life expectancy and quality of life post-wrestling, the lack of any kind of off-season to heal up, the issues with working hurt, the lack of health benefits, and the fact that the performers are hired as "contractors" but still have to sign exclusive contracts. This has been a real issue that all of us knew about Vince, but it's nice to see someone who is on the outside of the wrestling business bring attention to it, and yeah, it's a big reason that a lot of fans are excited about AEW, because AEW is designed to do all the things that WWE should be doing for their performers. I urge everyone to take those 23 minutes and watch Oliver's segment on YouTube (or HBO if you have it) and draw your own conclusions. Yeah, there's a joke about Roman Reigns that doesn't quite hit home, but it is a comedy show.
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming as we start with Raw!
The show opened with Stephanie coming out to talk about the "breaking news" of the main event of Mania as the triple threat between Raw Women's Champion Ronda, Smackdown Women's Champ Charlotte and The Fan's Champion Becky first making a lame April Fool's joke about adding herself to the match to how that match has become a Winner Takes All match. So the winner will leave with both belts. Ugh. To be fair, I'd love for the final image of the evening being Becky Balboa lifting both belts over her head, but come on. This match has become so overstuffed that it's really hard to get to the same level of anticipation and excitement that it once had. And it only gets weirder as the evening goes on.
Then we get Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman coming out to cut a promo on Seth. It's pretty much the standard good stuff we get from Heyman until he says that Brock is going to "violate" Seth at the Universal Championship match. And this is a word that gets repeated a couple of times throughout the evening as Cole keeps saying it. The term "violate" is just gross. I don't get easily triggered by the verbiage used in a promo, but "violate" is not a good term to use in reference to a person, because what do you think of when someone says they've been "violated"? So I guess that's why Seth came out to the ring and gave Brock two nut-shots and the Stomp. It's always uncomfortable to see someone in a pre-PPV spot standing tall over their competitor because that's generally code for the person that wins is the one who gets laid out. And as Seth said in his promo (that nearly everyone in the crowd and most of us at home agreed with wholeheartedly), the WWE Universe is sick of Lesnar. I know I am. I know that every time I pass a Jimmy John's delivery car on the road, I have this urge to send them careening off a cliff because I never want to see that logo again. The outcome that I am most terrified of is that Seth won't win at Mania because Vince will want to capitalize off/utterly waste the goodwill that Roman has at the moment and put another fucking series of matches between Roman and Lesnar for the title. No one wants that. I don't think Roman wants it. Let's hope Vince doesn't either.
There was a fun little backstage segment with Charly pointing out to Seth that if he does the dick-punches at Mania, he would be disqualified to which he says that Brock deserved them and he's not a champion. Yet. With this promo, Seth proves that he should be top guy on Raw. He's one of the few solid babyface talkers they've got and his in-ring stuff is consistently solid.
Then came the 8-woman tag match that no one really asked for which has Boss 'N Hug with Natalya and Beth Phoenix vs The IIconics and Nia and Tamina. Thankfully, Nia and Tamina wanted nothing to do with this match and just let the IIconics get wrecked by Beth Phoenix who hits the Glam Slam on Peyton to pick up the win. This match should be a must-see and I honestly don't care that much because again, they overstuffed it. If they wanted to give Beth her Mania moment, this should have been a two-on-two match, and they had an opportunity to tell a story with this match, but that's pretty much out the window because of how many people are involved. Personally, I want The IIconics to win because they could be really fun with this title for a while, but I'm expecting to see Bayley and Sasha defend this also down in NXT so I'm guessing they're going to retain. Oh, and Sasha? I know you want to be the luchador of the Women's division, but to do that, you need to really work on that rope stuff. I don't want to be afraid you're going to kill yourself doing a simple arm drag.
Next up is the homecoming of Batista. The Animal arrives in his killer jacket and shades and just soaks in the hometown pop. I know this guy is supposed to be the heel in this match, but this crowd just ain't having it. He grabs a mic and instead of saying anything, he points to the Tron where they play a video package of Dave beating the hell out of Hunter over the years. When he finally does speak, he tells Hunter to kiss his ass, drops the mic and gets out. Short, sweet and to the point. He didn't try to oversell the match because the match has already sold itself, and that's a good match promo in my opinion.
We had another bit of Elias outside MetLife Stadium but sadly there were no thieves this time. He just goes on in the Elias way about how he's a bigger draw than all the other artists who've played that stadium. Frankly, I'm totally okay if Elias never really wrestled much for another day in his life and just did this all the time. Bring him out, heat up the crowd, and deal out a guitar shot every now and then.
Then for some reason, we had a Lumberjack match between Apollo Crews and Jinder Mahal. And the most fascinating person on the outside was EC3 because he was pretty much dead center on hard camera side and he looked so dead inside, and it was a perfect reflection of how we all felt watching this match, which is supposed to be somewhat hyping up the Andre Memorial Battle Royal. So Crews squashes Jinder in about 90 seconds, and then all the lumberjacks come into the ring and start a brawl, and somehow Crews is the one who ends up standing tall. Don't get me wrong; I like when under-card performers get some TV time, but you have to make a case for someone winning the Battle Royal, and Apollo Crews ain't that guy.
Then we get a little misty-eyed as Kurt Angle comes out and we get a really cool video package showing a career retrospective for him. A match between him and Rey Mysterio had been advertised, but we don't get that because Baron Corbin comes out and tells everyone what we already know (that Kurt is a broken-down husk of his former self and he can't go for more than 90 seconds without losing his breath). Kurt suggests an exhibition match, Corbin refuses, and Rey comes out telling him that Kurt should be respected. Corbin throws a swing, he gets an Angle Slam and Corbin high-tails it out while the two old pals hug it out. Rinse, lather, repeat. This is a match that only two people in the world want, and that's Vince McMahon and Corbin. Corbin gets his Mania payday, and Vince feels like he's given a story its due. Because you can be goddamn sure that Angle doesn't want this as his final match in WWE. Although he's heading to Starrcade, so who cares?
Then Kicks and Flips (Ricochet and Aleister Black) have their Raw Tag championship opportunity against The Revival. Boy, this was not a great match, but it had great spots and I appreciated the booking. This wasn't the showcase for the talent that any of these competitors have, because when you let The Revival off the leash, they can really put in a fantastic match, and the same goes for Kicks and Flips. But this whole match was a build to one moment and that's when Dash sent Aleister to the outside and just as it seemed like he was going to beat the 10-count, Dawson was there under the ring apron holding onto Aleister's leg so he couldn't make it back in. So yes, The Revival retained, and they did it in a way that gave Kicks and Flips legitimacy as well as keeping their heel heat. And it always amazes/scares the piss out of me when Ricochet does a tope over the ring post. That's good stuff.
Of course, in between all this other shit, we had a series of promos leading up to the 6-woman tag match that was going to feature The Props... ahem... I mean The Riott Squad vs the forced tag team of Ronda, Charlotte and Becky. The main-eventers have to cooperate in this tag match, and if one of them does anything to the other during the match, that competitor is removed from the main event match. So they don't beat the hell out of each other during the match as Ronda gets a very awkward armbar on Liv to win the match, but once that ending bell rings, they all start beating the hell out of each other after the match. It gets so bad that security has to come in and the women beat the shit out of them and then suddenly the DCPD intervenes, Ronda strikes an officer and is cuffed. Becky kicks Ronda while she's cuffed and Becky gets cuffed. Then Charlotte hits someone and gets cuffed. This continues all the way into the parking lot where it just gets even more absurd. Ronda and Becky are put into the back of the same "cop car" and they start trying to kick the other; Ronda kicks one of the back side windows out, and after they pull Becky out, Ronda pulls the ultimate Houdini and makes her way into the front seat of the car, apparently uses her nose to shift the car into drive and then rams her car into another "cop car". It's pandemonium! Pure pandemonium! Look, I know that this was supposed to make each of these women look badass, but it was just so over-the-top that it just became hilariously silly. Of course, this led to all of them being taken to a "local precinct" (since it wasn't a kayfabed injury, they couldn't use "local medical facility"), and details would be made available as they came in.
We also got a backstage segment when Charly was interviewing Roman Reigns (who, when he came on screen, I could actually hear a few boos), and Drew just blindsided him into near oblivion, and told Roman that he shouldn't have agreed to the match at Mania and that he wants to haunt Roman's dreams. There's a new chapter for your WWE slashfic piece. There was also a promo involving Alexa Bliss, Tyler Breeze, and EC3 who are talking about how funny Weekend Update was last week and Braun walks by and wonders who was laughing at Jost and Che. They narc out a couple of people working backstage and he walks up to them, and one of them is black and the other white. He says that tonight, they're Che and Jost and they're going to have a match with him. Because, you know, WWE.
Then we have a match between Heavy Machinery and Roode and Gable and oof, how the mighty have fallen. Roode and Gable are now jobbing out to Heavy Machinery. Look, I like Heavy Machinery a lot, and if you watched the one-on-one match Dozer had against Ciampa, you know that Otis can fucking go for a guy that size, but they should be facing dudes like Slater and Rhyno or The Ascension and not the relatively recent Raw Tag champs. But this match was also interrupted by Lacey Fucking Evans, and I'll tell you, she better have become the next best thing since sliced bread because I can't stand even looking at her right now, so her in-ring abilities since NXT better have improved a thousand-fold to cancel out all this bullshit. Anyway, Tucky and Dozer hit The Compactor on poor Gable to get the win.
Then we got Braun vs Not-Jost and Not-Che, and sadly, we didn't get one single Wilhelm Scream-worthy moment in the match as he eventually powerslammed both of them at once to get the "win". This is another instance of how far the mighty have fallen. Braun looked like a world-beater after MITB last year and seemed like he was heading for a banner year, but he must have really really pissed someone off backstage to keep getting booked for shit. And I've changed my mind after this: I don't think Braun is going to win the Andre Memorial. But the one thing that happened in this match that I found very ironic was at one point on commentary, Graves stated that maybe Che and Jost should call in sick on Sunday, and Cole, with zero awareness, said, "There's no 'sick' in the WWE" and I don't know who didn't immediately think of what John Oliver had to say on Sunday. Truer fucking words, Cole.
Then we had Bobby Lashley and Lio Rush come out to the ring to be interviewed by Charly. They talked about how Lashley was going to be facing Finn on Sunday for the IC title, and wondered what they thought about how Finn might be using his Demon persona. So I guess he's not called the Demon King anymore? Anyway, Lashley said that he wasn't worried, because Finn the Demon is still Finn the man. Then you heard Finn's voice beckoning Bobby from the Tron, and he said that he should worry, because he does have demons, and his demons are about to become Bobby's nightmares, and with all the technical wizardry of a 90's videogame cutscene, Finn became The Demon before our very eyes. Not the way at all of how I would've booked it, but at least it's confirmed that we're going to get the best Mania entrance since The Undertaker (and certainly the sexiest of all time) from The Demon.
Then came Corbin vs Rey as the main fucking event. It's a match no one wanted, and never ever should have been booked. First of all, when Rey did land hard on one of his legs, it's very possible that wasn't a kayfabe tweak that would give Corbin the edge because he's currently under day-to-day observation. Second of all, the match was slow as fuck before that, and I don't know about you, but I don't watch Rey Mysterio for a slow-paced match; I watch Rey Mysterio because he's going to run rings around you and fuck you up with his speed and agility, but Baron Corbin doesn't have those things. And he won with hitting a Deep Six. Now, if indeed Rey did tweak himself during that match, he might have called for that to end the match because that is the only acceptable explanation for how that match ended. And if Rey is indeed hurt, who does Joe face off against on Sunday if Rey isn't cleared? Of course, as soon as Corbin got to the top of the stage, Angle came in behind him and put him in the ankle lock. And that is literally the length of the match they should have at Mania. If Kurt can't go for more than 90 seconds without breathing like one of his lungs have collapsed, why force him to go longer than that?
So after that hot mess, let's go over to Smackdown!
We kicked it off with The Kevin Owens Show, and KO looks very very unhappy to be a former Universal Champion who recently had a title shot and now his job is to introduce people and then leave the ring before the eventual fight breaks out. So he hosted A.J. and Randy in order to bring them together to talk shit about each other and eventually, y'know, fight. Randy says if A.J. was so good, he'd have been in the WWE years ago. A.J. says that Randy only knows one move. Randy was happy to break up the Angle/Styles match last week because he couldn't stand watching an old man huff and puff his way around a ring. A.J. says that while he was doing shows in high school gyms and armories, Randy was getting suspended for failing drug tests. Randy says that since Cena is no longer part of the active roster, A.J. has taken up the role of "corporate bitch". And that's when Kevin got out of the ring and mics dropped. Of course, the end of all the back-and-forth was A.J. lining up to hit the Phenomenal Forearm, and of course, jumped right into an RKO. No matter how shitty I find the politics of both of these men, I'm happy that at least Orton seems invested in this match. Styles rarely has that problem, but Orton seems to not care a lot of the time, and rarely is that more evident in Orton's Mania matches. But this one has a good build, a good story, and these guys can bring it.
Then we got a 8-man tag match with The Usos with Kicks and Flips vs The Bar and Crushers and Brushers (my name for Nakamura and Rusev... because Nakamura is called "The Artist"... and you know how artists paint, like... with brushes? Look, I'm tired, okay??). This was a mild match where Jimmy and Jey eventually had a Superkick Party with Rusev's face and got them the pin. Then Alexa Bliss came out and told Uce that since they decided to be so noble last week and forfeit their match against New Day, they've been rewarded with a Mania match for their titles against all the teams that were just in that match that they won. So this naturally brought about a brawl where Ricochet and Aleister ended up standing tall. First off, I hate that Alexa announced this match because it makes it seem like she's the one who booked it. This should have been Vince or Shane, but Shane would do his own booking later on, so it should've been Vince. And another multi-team tag title match? Really? I appreciate that everyone wants that Mania money, but for Chrissakes, don't over-stuff a match just because you can. It's going to be another really ugly match, but at least, we're going to get the entrances for Ricochet and Aleister on the Mania stage, so that'll be cool. I'm thinking that this is going to stay with Uce. There's been three holders of this title since the Rumble, so it's time to stop playing Hot Potato with this title.
Then there was a fun and goofy little promo where The IIconics talked about their own multi-team Mania match for the Women's Tag belts. I know that the most logical choice for the outcome at Mania is to have Boss 'N Hug retain, but I'd really like to see Peyton and Billie win. Maybe a title run will get a little forward momentum for them, and if not, they can drop at the next PPV so that Bayley and Sasha can go defend their titles down in NXT.
Then came another fired up promo from The Miz as he said that he was going to be fighting for his dad and for all the wrestlers who feel like the McMahon's own them. This was all just a prelude to Miz having a 1-on-3 handicap match against Sanity, and all this did was bury Sanity to the point of no return. Once the most feared tag team in NXT, Sanity has been a joke since their call-up. They've barely been on TV since their call-up, and this is so indicative of how performers with cool gimmicks in NXT can translate properly to the main roster because Vince just can't figure them out, which is ridiculous because Sanity is probably the easiest team to book because of their gimmick. During the match, Shane announced that it has changed to a Falls Count Anywhere match, but this still was all Miz. I know that this is booked to show just how fired up Miz is about his match with Shane, but all it really did was kill Sanity. Miz took Eric Young outside, rammed his head between two road cases and got the win. It was just all-around weird. Yes, it told a good story, and I guess that the only potentially good outcome of this is that Sanity will be asking for their releases soon, except probably for Killian Dane because he wouldn't want to leave his wild honey Nikki Cross all alone at WWE.
When that match ended, though, a police car pulled up (bear in mind this is Baltimore and Raw was in D.C.), and out climbed Becky Lynch (from the back door, no less). So I guess D.C. police is Uber now? Anyhoo, Becky got a mic, climbed up onto the announce table, and cut another hella good promo about the upcoming main event match on Sunday. I know the answer to my next question, but I want to pose it anyway: why was this necessary? It's not like this match needs any more hyping up. I know that it was effectively done so that Becky could give the crowd a good pop for a go-home, and good pops is what she does right now. So it's fun for the crowd who paid to be there, but totally unnecessary for the viewers at home.
Oh, by the way, did you think that other sections of the show were over-stuffed? Because next was the creme de la creme, and that was a 16-person Mixed Match tag match with *deep breath* Asuka, Heavy Machinery, EC3, Fire and Desire, Zelina Vega, Andrade, Carmella, R-Truth, Gallows and Anderson, Nikki Cross, The Hardys, Lana and Shelton Benjamin. There was some brief one-on-one action but it broke down into chaos as everyone got involved and started tossing everyone else over the top rope because they're all going to be in their respective Battle Royals. I do have to admit that the only really fun part was when Nikki climbed on to Shelton's back and refused to let go even after they were out of the ring. So at least it had that.
Then we were treated to a one-on-one match between Samoa Joe and Mustafa Ali, who apparently just goes by "Ali" now. Fucking Vince, man. By the end of the year, all the minority wrestlers are just going to have one name. This was a pretty brisk affair, because we shouldn't risk getting Joe potentially hurt as well since Rey is still day to day. I don't have a fucking clue why they put this match on if Rey isn't able to compete on Sunday, unless their plans are to get John Cena involved. And if they bring in Cena, Cena is very likely to win, and that'll suck, because I want Joe to get a nice long run with this title. Title runs for a guy like Joe means we get several episodes of quality promos from him, and that's why I love Joe. Anyway, Joe put Mustafa (fuck you, Vince; I'm calling him Mustafa) to beddy-bye in the Coquina Clutch after he tried for a 450 splash in an empty pool, and that was that.
Then came the moment we were all waiting for and that was the contract signing between Kofi Kingston and Daniel Bryan for their title match on Sunday. I don't remember where I read it, but apparently once upon a time, Bryan was considered a poor promo. That's very interesting because his promo skills are practically second to none right now. He relentlessly talks shit to Kofi until Kofi just can't keep his zen going any longer and just gets all in Daniel's face and lets him have it. They both signed the contract and stared each other down. This was exactly what I wanted from this promo. It doesn't feel over-stuffed or over-hyped because this was something none of us knew we needed, and now that we know it, we're all the way in behind Kofi.
In the final analysis of what we have going on this Sunday, I know that there are definitely ways that almost all the matches could go, but there need to be two definite outcomes at Wrestlemania 35:
1. Becky Lynch must, and I mean, must win the belts in the main event. Any other outcome is unacceptable, and the fans may very well quite literally riot, and there will be a lot of people not tuning in to the post-Mania Raw and Smackdown if Vince fucks this up.
2. Kofi Kingston must win the WWE Championship. If not, see #1. Kofi does not have to keep it long. Hell, he could lose it at MITB. It honestly doesn't matter too much to have Kofi hold this title for very long. He could just hold it for a while, keep this momentum (and merch sales) up, and then get it back on Bryan or someone else.
So that's it for the go-homes for Raw and Smackdown! I'm going to have a recap of NXT on Thursday and I'll have my Hopes and Predictions column up for NXT TakeOver New York on Thursday as well. I will not be live-blogging my reactions of either TakeOver or Mania, but I will look to recap them. Look out for a recap of TakeOver on Saturday, and my Mania recap on Monday. I have a 5-day weekend starting Friday, so I'm going to have plenty of time to gather my thoughts on what's going to happen and of course, what did happen. And I'll have my usual recaps of Raw and Smackdown to see what kind of interesting surprises might come our way next week, and my recap of the TakeOver pre-show that they'll air next Wednesday.
This is the big weekend, kids, so I will see you soon!!
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming as we start with Raw!
The show opened with Stephanie coming out to talk about the "breaking news" of the main event of Mania as the triple threat between Raw Women's Champion Ronda, Smackdown Women's Champ Charlotte and The Fan's Champion Becky first making a lame April Fool's joke about adding herself to the match to how that match has become a Winner Takes All match. So the winner will leave with both belts. Ugh. To be fair, I'd love for the final image of the evening being Becky Balboa lifting both belts over her head, but come on. This match has become so overstuffed that it's really hard to get to the same level of anticipation and excitement that it once had. And it only gets weirder as the evening goes on.
Then we get Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman coming out to cut a promo on Seth. It's pretty much the standard good stuff we get from Heyman until he says that Brock is going to "violate" Seth at the Universal Championship match. And this is a word that gets repeated a couple of times throughout the evening as Cole keeps saying it. The term "violate" is just gross. I don't get easily triggered by the verbiage used in a promo, but "violate" is not a good term to use in reference to a person, because what do you think of when someone says they've been "violated"? So I guess that's why Seth came out to the ring and gave Brock two nut-shots and the Stomp. It's always uncomfortable to see someone in a pre-PPV spot standing tall over their competitor because that's generally code for the person that wins is the one who gets laid out. And as Seth said in his promo (that nearly everyone in the crowd and most of us at home agreed with wholeheartedly), the WWE Universe is sick of Lesnar. I know I am. I know that every time I pass a Jimmy John's delivery car on the road, I have this urge to send them careening off a cliff because I never want to see that logo again. The outcome that I am most terrified of is that Seth won't win at Mania because Vince will want to capitalize off/utterly waste the goodwill that Roman has at the moment and put another fucking series of matches between Roman and Lesnar for the title. No one wants that. I don't think Roman wants it. Let's hope Vince doesn't either.
There was a fun little backstage segment with Charly pointing out to Seth that if he does the dick-punches at Mania, he would be disqualified to which he says that Brock deserved them and he's not a champion. Yet. With this promo, Seth proves that he should be top guy on Raw. He's one of the few solid babyface talkers they've got and his in-ring stuff is consistently solid.
Then came the 8-woman tag match that no one really asked for which has Boss 'N Hug with Natalya and Beth Phoenix vs The IIconics and Nia and Tamina. Thankfully, Nia and Tamina wanted nothing to do with this match and just let the IIconics get wrecked by Beth Phoenix who hits the Glam Slam on Peyton to pick up the win. This match should be a must-see and I honestly don't care that much because again, they overstuffed it. If they wanted to give Beth her Mania moment, this should have been a two-on-two match, and they had an opportunity to tell a story with this match, but that's pretty much out the window because of how many people are involved. Personally, I want The IIconics to win because they could be really fun with this title for a while, but I'm expecting to see Bayley and Sasha defend this also down in NXT so I'm guessing they're going to retain. Oh, and Sasha? I know you want to be the luchador of the Women's division, but to do that, you need to really work on that rope stuff. I don't want to be afraid you're going to kill yourself doing a simple arm drag.
Next up is the homecoming of Batista. The Animal arrives in his killer jacket and shades and just soaks in the hometown pop. I know this guy is supposed to be the heel in this match, but this crowd just ain't having it. He grabs a mic and instead of saying anything, he points to the Tron where they play a video package of Dave beating the hell out of Hunter over the years. When he finally does speak, he tells Hunter to kiss his ass, drops the mic and gets out. Short, sweet and to the point. He didn't try to oversell the match because the match has already sold itself, and that's a good match promo in my opinion.
We had another bit of Elias outside MetLife Stadium but sadly there were no thieves this time. He just goes on in the Elias way about how he's a bigger draw than all the other artists who've played that stadium. Frankly, I'm totally okay if Elias never really wrestled much for another day in his life and just did this all the time. Bring him out, heat up the crowd, and deal out a guitar shot every now and then.
Then for some reason, we had a Lumberjack match between Apollo Crews and Jinder Mahal. And the most fascinating person on the outside was EC3 because he was pretty much dead center on hard camera side and he looked so dead inside, and it was a perfect reflection of how we all felt watching this match, which is supposed to be somewhat hyping up the Andre Memorial Battle Royal. So Crews squashes Jinder in about 90 seconds, and then all the lumberjacks come into the ring and start a brawl, and somehow Crews is the one who ends up standing tall. Don't get me wrong; I like when under-card performers get some TV time, but you have to make a case for someone winning the Battle Royal, and Apollo Crews ain't that guy.
Then we get a little misty-eyed as Kurt Angle comes out and we get a really cool video package showing a career retrospective for him. A match between him and Rey Mysterio had been advertised, but we don't get that because Baron Corbin comes out and tells everyone what we already know (that Kurt is a broken-down husk of his former self and he can't go for more than 90 seconds without losing his breath). Kurt suggests an exhibition match, Corbin refuses, and Rey comes out telling him that Kurt should be respected. Corbin throws a swing, he gets an Angle Slam and Corbin high-tails it out while the two old pals hug it out. Rinse, lather, repeat. This is a match that only two people in the world want, and that's Vince McMahon and Corbin. Corbin gets his Mania payday, and Vince feels like he's given a story its due. Because you can be goddamn sure that Angle doesn't want this as his final match in WWE. Although he's heading to Starrcade, so who cares?
Then Kicks and Flips (Ricochet and Aleister Black) have their Raw Tag championship opportunity against The Revival. Boy, this was not a great match, but it had great spots and I appreciated the booking. This wasn't the showcase for the talent that any of these competitors have, because when you let The Revival off the leash, they can really put in a fantastic match, and the same goes for Kicks and Flips. But this whole match was a build to one moment and that's when Dash sent Aleister to the outside and just as it seemed like he was going to beat the 10-count, Dawson was there under the ring apron holding onto Aleister's leg so he couldn't make it back in. So yes, The Revival retained, and they did it in a way that gave Kicks and Flips legitimacy as well as keeping their heel heat. And it always amazes/scares the piss out of me when Ricochet does a tope over the ring post. That's good stuff.
Of course, in between all this other shit, we had a series of promos leading up to the 6-woman tag match that was going to feature The Props... ahem... I mean The Riott Squad vs the forced tag team of Ronda, Charlotte and Becky. The main-eventers have to cooperate in this tag match, and if one of them does anything to the other during the match, that competitor is removed from the main event match. So they don't beat the hell out of each other during the match as Ronda gets a very awkward armbar on Liv to win the match, but once that ending bell rings, they all start beating the hell out of each other after the match. It gets so bad that security has to come in and the women beat the shit out of them and then suddenly the DCPD intervenes, Ronda strikes an officer and is cuffed. Becky kicks Ronda while she's cuffed and Becky gets cuffed. Then Charlotte hits someone and gets cuffed. This continues all the way into the parking lot where it just gets even more absurd. Ronda and Becky are put into the back of the same "cop car" and they start trying to kick the other; Ronda kicks one of the back side windows out, and after they pull Becky out, Ronda pulls the ultimate Houdini and makes her way into the front seat of the car, apparently uses her nose to shift the car into drive and then rams her car into another "cop car". It's pandemonium! Pure pandemonium! Look, I know that this was supposed to make each of these women look badass, but it was just so over-the-top that it just became hilariously silly. Of course, this led to all of them being taken to a "local precinct" (since it wasn't a kayfabed injury, they couldn't use "local medical facility"), and details would be made available as they came in.
We also got a backstage segment when Charly was interviewing Roman Reigns (who, when he came on screen, I could actually hear a few boos), and Drew just blindsided him into near oblivion, and told Roman that he shouldn't have agreed to the match at Mania and that he wants to haunt Roman's dreams. There's a new chapter for your WWE slashfic piece. There was also a promo involving Alexa Bliss, Tyler Breeze, and EC3 who are talking about how funny Weekend Update was last week and Braun walks by and wonders who was laughing at Jost and Che. They narc out a couple of people working backstage and he walks up to them, and one of them is black and the other white. He says that tonight, they're Che and Jost and they're going to have a match with him. Because, you know, WWE.
Then we have a match between Heavy Machinery and Roode and Gable and oof, how the mighty have fallen. Roode and Gable are now jobbing out to Heavy Machinery. Look, I like Heavy Machinery a lot, and if you watched the one-on-one match Dozer had against Ciampa, you know that Otis can fucking go for a guy that size, but they should be facing dudes like Slater and Rhyno or The Ascension and not the relatively recent Raw Tag champs. But this match was also interrupted by Lacey Fucking Evans, and I'll tell you, she better have become the next best thing since sliced bread because I can't stand even looking at her right now, so her in-ring abilities since NXT better have improved a thousand-fold to cancel out all this bullshit. Anyway, Tucky and Dozer hit The Compactor on poor Gable to get the win.
Then we got Braun vs Not-Jost and Not-Che, and sadly, we didn't get one single Wilhelm Scream-worthy moment in the match as he eventually powerslammed both of them at once to get the "win". This is another instance of how far the mighty have fallen. Braun looked like a world-beater after MITB last year and seemed like he was heading for a banner year, but he must have really really pissed someone off backstage to keep getting booked for shit. And I've changed my mind after this: I don't think Braun is going to win the Andre Memorial. But the one thing that happened in this match that I found very ironic was at one point on commentary, Graves stated that maybe Che and Jost should call in sick on Sunday, and Cole, with zero awareness, said, "There's no 'sick' in the WWE" and I don't know who didn't immediately think of what John Oliver had to say on Sunday. Truer fucking words, Cole.
Then we had Bobby Lashley and Lio Rush come out to the ring to be interviewed by Charly. They talked about how Lashley was going to be facing Finn on Sunday for the IC title, and wondered what they thought about how Finn might be using his Demon persona. So I guess he's not called the Demon King anymore? Anyway, Lashley said that he wasn't worried, because Finn the Demon is still Finn the man. Then you heard Finn's voice beckoning Bobby from the Tron, and he said that he should worry, because he does have demons, and his demons are about to become Bobby's nightmares, and with all the technical wizardry of a 90's videogame cutscene, Finn became The Demon before our very eyes. Not the way at all of how I would've booked it, but at least it's confirmed that we're going to get the best Mania entrance since The Undertaker (and certainly the sexiest of all time) from The Demon.
Then came Corbin vs Rey as the main fucking event. It's a match no one wanted, and never ever should have been booked. First of all, when Rey did land hard on one of his legs, it's very possible that wasn't a kayfabe tweak that would give Corbin the edge because he's currently under day-to-day observation. Second of all, the match was slow as fuck before that, and I don't know about you, but I don't watch Rey Mysterio for a slow-paced match; I watch Rey Mysterio because he's going to run rings around you and fuck you up with his speed and agility, but Baron Corbin doesn't have those things. And he won with hitting a Deep Six. Now, if indeed Rey did tweak himself during that match, he might have called for that to end the match because that is the only acceptable explanation for how that match ended. And if Rey is indeed hurt, who does Joe face off against on Sunday if Rey isn't cleared? Of course, as soon as Corbin got to the top of the stage, Angle came in behind him and put him in the ankle lock. And that is literally the length of the match they should have at Mania. If Kurt can't go for more than 90 seconds without breathing like one of his lungs have collapsed, why force him to go longer than that?
So after that hot mess, let's go over to Smackdown!
We kicked it off with The Kevin Owens Show, and KO looks very very unhappy to be a former Universal Champion who recently had a title shot and now his job is to introduce people and then leave the ring before the eventual fight breaks out. So he hosted A.J. and Randy in order to bring them together to talk shit about each other and eventually, y'know, fight. Randy says if A.J. was so good, he'd have been in the WWE years ago. A.J. says that Randy only knows one move. Randy was happy to break up the Angle/Styles match last week because he couldn't stand watching an old man huff and puff his way around a ring. A.J. says that while he was doing shows in high school gyms and armories, Randy was getting suspended for failing drug tests. Randy says that since Cena is no longer part of the active roster, A.J. has taken up the role of "corporate bitch". And that's when Kevin got out of the ring and mics dropped. Of course, the end of all the back-and-forth was A.J. lining up to hit the Phenomenal Forearm, and of course, jumped right into an RKO. No matter how shitty I find the politics of both of these men, I'm happy that at least Orton seems invested in this match. Styles rarely has that problem, but Orton seems to not care a lot of the time, and rarely is that more evident in Orton's Mania matches. But this one has a good build, a good story, and these guys can bring it.
Then we got a 8-man tag match with The Usos with Kicks and Flips vs The Bar and Crushers and Brushers (my name for Nakamura and Rusev... because Nakamura is called "The Artist"... and you know how artists paint, like... with brushes? Look, I'm tired, okay??). This was a mild match where Jimmy and Jey eventually had a Superkick Party with Rusev's face and got them the pin. Then Alexa Bliss came out and told Uce that since they decided to be so noble last week and forfeit their match against New Day, they've been rewarded with a Mania match for their titles against all the teams that were just in that match that they won. So this naturally brought about a brawl where Ricochet and Aleister ended up standing tall. First off, I hate that Alexa announced this match because it makes it seem like she's the one who booked it. This should have been Vince or Shane, but Shane would do his own booking later on, so it should've been Vince. And another multi-team tag title match? Really? I appreciate that everyone wants that Mania money, but for Chrissakes, don't over-stuff a match just because you can. It's going to be another really ugly match, but at least, we're going to get the entrances for Ricochet and Aleister on the Mania stage, so that'll be cool. I'm thinking that this is going to stay with Uce. There's been three holders of this title since the Rumble, so it's time to stop playing Hot Potato with this title.
Then there was a fun and goofy little promo where The IIconics talked about their own multi-team Mania match for the Women's Tag belts. I know that the most logical choice for the outcome at Mania is to have Boss 'N Hug retain, but I'd really like to see Peyton and Billie win. Maybe a title run will get a little forward momentum for them, and if not, they can drop at the next PPV so that Bayley and Sasha can go defend their titles down in NXT.
Then came another fired up promo from The Miz as he said that he was going to be fighting for his dad and for all the wrestlers who feel like the McMahon's own them. This was all just a prelude to Miz having a 1-on-3 handicap match against Sanity, and all this did was bury Sanity to the point of no return. Once the most feared tag team in NXT, Sanity has been a joke since their call-up. They've barely been on TV since their call-up, and this is so indicative of how performers with cool gimmicks in NXT can translate properly to the main roster because Vince just can't figure them out, which is ridiculous because Sanity is probably the easiest team to book because of their gimmick. During the match, Shane announced that it has changed to a Falls Count Anywhere match, but this still was all Miz. I know that this is booked to show just how fired up Miz is about his match with Shane, but all it really did was kill Sanity. Miz took Eric Young outside, rammed his head between two road cases and got the win. It was just all-around weird. Yes, it told a good story, and I guess that the only potentially good outcome of this is that Sanity will be asking for their releases soon, except probably for Killian Dane because he wouldn't want to leave his wild honey Nikki Cross all alone at WWE.
When that match ended, though, a police car pulled up (bear in mind this is Baltimore and Raw was in D.C.), and out climbed Becky Lynch (from the back door, no less). So I guess D.C. police is Uber now? Anyhoo, Becky got a mic, climbed up onto the announce table, and cut another hella good promo about the upcoming main event match on Sunday. I know the answer to my next question, but I want to pose it anyway: why was this necessary? It's not like this match needs any more hyping up. I know that it was effectively done so that Becky could give the crowd a good pop for a go-home, and good pops is what she does right now. So it's fun for the crowd who paid to be there, but totally unnecessary for the viewers at home.
Oh, by the way, did you think that other sections of the show were over-stuffed? Because next was the creme de la creme, and that was a 16-person Mixed Match tag match with *deep breath* Asuka, Heavy Machinery, EC3, Fire and Desire, Zelina Vega, Andrade, Carmella, R-Truth, Gallows and Anderson, Nikki Cross, The Hardys, Lana and Shelton Benjamin. There was some brief one-on-one action but it broke down into chaos as everyone got involved and started tossing everyone else over the top rope because they're all going to be in their respective Battle Royals. I do have to admit that the only really fun part was when Nikki climbed on to Shelton's back and refused to let go even after they were out of the ring. So at least it had that.
Then we were treated to a one-on-one match between Samoa Joe and Mustafa Ali, who apparently just goes by "Ali" now. Fucking Vince, man. By the end of the year, all the minority wrestlers are just going to have one name. This was a pretty brisk affair, because we shouldn't risk getting Joe potentially hurt as well since Rey is still day to day. I don't have a fucking clue why they put this match on if Rey isn't able to compete on Sunday, unless their plans are to get John Cena involved. And if they bring in Cena, Cena is very likely to win, and that'll suck, because I want Joe to get a nice long run with this title. Title runs for a guy like Joe means we get several episodes of quality promos from him, and that's why I love Joe. Anyway, Joe put Mustafa (fuck you, Vince; I'm calling him Mustafa) to beddy-bye in the Coquina Clutch after he tried for a 450 splash in an empty pool, and that was that.
Then came the moment we were all waiting for and that was the contract signing between Kofi Kingston and Daniel Bryan for their title match on Sunday. I don't remember where I read it, but apparently once upon a time, Bryan was considered a poor promo. That's very interesting because his promo skills are practically second to none right now. He relentlessly talks shit to Kofi until Kofi just can't keep his zen going any longer and just gets all in Daniel's face and lets him have it. They both signed the contract and stared each other down. This was exactly what I wanted from this promo. It doesn't feel over-stuffed or over-hyped because this was something none of us knew we needed, and now that we know it, we're all the way in behind Kofi.
In the final analysis of what we have going on this Sunday, I know that there are definitely ways that almost all the matches could go, but there need to be two definite outcomes at Wrestlemania 35:
1. Becky Lynch must, and I mean, must win the belts in the main event. Any other outcome is unacceptable, and the fans may very well quite literally riot, and there will be a lot of people not tuning in to the post-Mania Raw and Smackdown if Vince fucks this up.
2. Kofi Kingston must win the WWE Championship. If not, see #1. Kofi does not have to keep it long. Hell, he could lose it at MITB. It honestly doesn't matter too much to have Kofi hold this title for very long. He could just hold it for a while, keep this momentum (and merch sales) up, and then get it back on Bryan or someone else.
So that's it for the go-homes for Raw and Smackdown! I'm going to have a recap of NXT on Thursday and I'll have my Hopes and Predictions column up for NXT TakeOver New York on Thursday as well. I will not be live-blogging my reactions of either TakeOver or Mania, but I will look to recap them. Look out for a recap of TakeOver on Saturday, and my Mania recap on Monday. I have a 5-day weekend starting Friday, so I'm going to have plenty of time to gather my thoughts on what's going to happen and of course, what did happen. And I'll have my usual recaps of Raw and Smackdown to see what kind of interesting surprises might come our way next week, and my recap of the TakeOver pre-show that they'll air next Wednesday.
This is the big weekend, kids, so I will see you soon!!
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