Last week was a really excellent week all around for WWE on television. We had the announcement that Roman Reigns' leukemia was in remission, which was super-great and super-emotional; we had a great return in Kevin Owens on Smackdown; we had drama with Ronda Rousey apparently relinquishing the Raw Women's title; we had Batista demolishing Ric Flair at his 70th birthday celebration in order to gain Triple H's attention, and of course, we had Becky Lynch invading Raw again and getting arrested and hauled off in cuffs. And this week, we have the go-homes for Fastlane, otherwise known as "the speed bump on the way to Wrestlemania", so let us say that this week has a lot to live up to, as well as advancing storylines for Wrestlemania and making more matches for next Sunday's PPV. How will all this shake out this week? Let's take a look, and as usual, we'll start with Raw!
Raw opened with The Big Dog's music hitting to another big pop. Roman walked in and soaked in the crowd. He made his way to the ring as we got a video recap of him opening last week and announcing that he was in remission, and he began by saying that last week was the comeback, but this week, he's here to take the yard back. He continued by stating that there was only one thing that was really on his mind, and it involved his brother Seth Rollins, so he called him out to the ring. Seth came out and said that he was confident as hell, inspired by Roman's fight, and that he was going to to slay The Beast at Mania and bring back the Universal title to Raw every week, but he figured that if there was anyone else deserving of a title shot, it was Roman, since he also knew the pain of having to relinquish a title that he never lost. But if Roman called him to the ring, he was pretty sure that he knew it had to do with that. But Roman corrected him! He said that he realized that since he was gone, the only person holding this place together was Seth and he recognized that he was due his match at Mania against Brock Lesnar, and that the thing he was going to discuss with Seth was that, in realizing how short life can be and how tomorrow can't be guaranteed, Roman wanted to talk to Seth about "getting the band back together" for one last time, because he wanted to ride with The Shield one last time. Seth was understandably hesitant because he just knows that Dean betrayed him, and was especially hurtful was the night he did it, but Roman posed the question of whether or not The Shield should reunite to the crowd, and they popped like mad. Seth agreed that he should leave Dean's betrayal in the past and they should do it one more time. Roman asked Dean to come out to discuss it, Dean's music hit, he paced around the stage for a bit not saying anything, and just as he was bringing the mic to his lips, Elias appeared from behind and gave Dean another guitar shot and then beat a quick retreat into the back as Roman and Seth raced to Dean's side. They tried to help him up, but Dean ended up waving them off and headed to the back himself. So... this is really good for a few reasons: first, it guarantees that Seth vs Brock is going to remain Seth vs Brock and not some kind of triple-threat involving Roman. Second, WWE is going to want to milk the hell out of any Shield merch they can continue to hawk while Dean is still around. Third, it gives us a redemption arc for Dean, so he's doing something else other than just having weird matches. And this gets a little more interesting in the very next segment as Charly was backstage interviewing Drew McIntyre, Baron Corbin and Bobby Lashley (and Lio Rush is there as well), and Drew boasts that he was the one that broke The Shield months ago, and Corbin reiterated that The Shield isn't the dominant faction anymore, and that they are, and they were going to go out and prove that in a six-man tag against Finn Balor, Kurt Angle and Braun Strowman. So, while this is a set-up for yet another textbook example of a go-home tag match, it's also the presentation of a possible 5-man faction (Drew, Baron, Bobby, Lio, and Elias) to face off against the three men of The Shield.
Next up was that six-man tag. Strowman started up against Corbin, who keeps trying to use his vest as a distraction, but The Monster Among Men got the upper hand pretty quickly. He tagged in Balor, and he had all three competitors on the outside and was about to go for another Tope but he was leg-swept by Rush on the outside in a really impressively-timed moment. This gave the heels the upper hand again. This match had the unfortunate placement of Kurt Angle who was (correctly, I might add) called out by the heels in that backstage segment for wanting to desperately prove that somehow he's still got it, and he just doesn't. He's just looking so tired so fast. I get it; I'm 44 and I get winded just going up the staircase at my house. And this is an Olympian. But after years of the abuse of painkillers, and age taking its toll on his body. He can still do a few German Suplexes and the Angle Slam, but every single time he does it, he looks like he's going to break his freakin' neck again. I know that this is likely leading up to a Mania match that will also effectively be his retirement match, but I'm just not looking forward to it. Anyway, back to the match. So Strowman is going for his express train rush for Lashley near the end of the match but Bobby sidesteps and Lio ends up eating it right through the timekeeper's area, and for a moment, I was certain that Lio was dead. But Lashley ends up spearing Finn for the win, and this led to the heels beating down both Finn and bouncing Kurt off some steel steps. If we do get a Shield reunion (we are), then we have the team they're going to face. I know that this won't be the first time we'll see The Shield square off against this faction, but it's 99% likely that this will be the last time.
Then there was a backstage segment where Charly was interviewing Heavy Machinery, and they cut to a locker room tape of The Ascension, The B-Team and Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins running down Otis. Otis hilariously said that it hurt his feelings, and then Tucky said that they were going to talk to the McMahons in order to get a match where they would face all of those teams.
Then came Natalya vs Ruby Riott with the Riott Squad at ringside. This was another match that further contributed to the ruination of Ruby as a competitor. I know that she had her longer match against Ronda after Elimination Chamber as opposed to the 90-second squash at Elimination Chamber, but that didn't do much for her either in retrospect, and now she just doesn't look or feel legit any longer, at least as a singles competitor. Hell, Morgan and Logan feel like stronger competitors at this point, and that's a shame, because Ruby looked strong as hell through most of her NXT run, and I never got that feeling about either Morgan or Logan. I think the problem here is that they made her the leader of a heel stable that's never been particularly dominant. Of course, if Ronda had not dominated the landscape for the better part of her time in WWE, things might be different, but this is where we are, so I think that Ruby needs some time away from TV and some repackaging. There could be a story that has some in-fighting within the Squad and then Liv and Sarah turn on Ruby so Ruby can come back as a face. She might be a decent midcarder if they decide to go that route, but right now, after losing again via roll-up, she's just not creating any kind of excitement anymore. But things got even worse after the match as Nattie high-tailed it out of the ring before the other members of the Squad could get their hands on her, and then Lacey Fucking Evans' music hit did her catwalk bullshit. I do not understand why they're deciding to make Evans this "refined southern belle" heel when everything about her real life makes her seem like a real Rosie-the-Riveter badass babyface. I didn't care for it in NXT, but at least she, y'know, wrestled in NXT.
Then we got the "celebrity guests" of the evening in SNL's Weekend Update team of Michael Che and Colin Jost backstage with Stephanie. I guess it doesn't help that I haven't watched any single episode of SNL in decades. Look, to me, even in their glory days of '75 to '80, SNL was mostly a suck-fest. I know it's hard to put together 90 minutes of a good show every week, but that hasn't stopped them. Hell, in a lot of ways, SNL and WWE are very similar, but SNL takes long breaks and WWE doesn't. When an episode of Raw or SD is bad, we know it and so do they; they might not care, but at least they know there's a problem. When SNL is bad, they still think that they're the funniest people ever. So I couldn't care one way or the other if these two are going to be special correspondents or whatever at Mania. They'll likely have a few shitty throwaway jokes, and that'll be it.
Then we had what I think is the most uncomfortable portion of the evening, and that was Triple H coming out to address Batista's actions at Naitch's 70th birthday bash. The promo led off with an Instagram post from The Animal saying that he was glad that he got Hunter's attention, but he wasn't going to be there this week since he doesn't like Philly. He might be in Pittsburgh, though. Then Hunter went off about how they weren't there to celebrate the 70th birthday of Ric Flair, but rather of Richard Fleihr, the man behind the character, a man that he spent years of his life traveling with and being there for one another in the best and worst of times. Then Trips talked about being at Ric's side at the funeral of his son. This always makes me incredibly uncomfortable when they use real-life tragedy as part of a work or promo. I remember when Paige turned heel on Charlotte when PCB was still a thing and she mentioned Charlotte's brother in a contract-signing promo for the Divas championship, and it felt really fucking gross. This wasn't anywhere near as bad as that, but it's just one of those things that feels like it should really be better left alone. Anyway, Hunter then went on to talk about how this same time last year, Ric was in a coma and seemed like he wasn't going to survive it. It's really weird to see Hunter get "emotional" in his promos, and it's especially weird to see him play babyface in a feud, but then came the usual fired-up name-calling and how Batista doesn't have the balls to face him man-to-man, and how, when they face off, The Animal isn't going to see the character of Triple H, but the man behind it. Hunter can cut strong promos, but the issue here is that I don't want to root for Hunter the character because he's been behind every super-shitty and underhanded tactic over the last several years, or even really Paul the man, but that's only because I fucking love Dave Bautista the man because he's just one of the coolest dudes on the planet. So bring on the Mania match. I'm still here for The Animal rather than The Game.
We also got Steph stating that she's determined that Ronda Rousey has vacated the Raw Women's title and realizes that Raw needs a champion, so she decides to lift the suspension and withdraw all criminal charges against Becky Lynch and put her and Charlotte in a one-on-one match for the vacated title at Fastlane, but first, Becks has to sign a Hold Harmless contract since she's still kayfabe injured. Now, I was a little uneasy about this match being announced so casually since there are, y'know, other women on Raw that might like that shot, and both Becky and Charlotte are technically still on Smackdown, but this is just further proof that A: the kayfabe brand split is bogus, and B: this is still the hottest story in pro wrestling right now.
Then came another backstage segment with Dean getting ready for his match later with Elias back in the dingy corners of the arena and Roman finds him to let him know that if he wants to talk to him, he can. Dean dismisses that, and says that he can't talk now, and he needs to get ready, so yeah, this is the second sign of the evening that a Shield reunion is happening.
Then we finally get a match, and that's Heavy Machinery doing a Gauntlet match against B-Team, Ascension and Ryder and Hawkins. First comes in Dallas and Axel, and Otis to start and they do away with them pretty quickly as they hit the Compactor on Dallas for the win. The Ascension is in immediately and try to build some momentum, but Otis hit Viktor with a Vader Bomb for that pinfall, and then it was Curt coming in trying to get that long overdue win, he tagged in Ryder, who hit a really solid slingshot splash, but as soon as Hawkins was back in the ring, Tucker took out Zack and Otis did The Caterpillar for the win. This is becoming a staple of go-homes lately, but this was an extremely short match, and I've said that, if nothing else, Dozer is really impressive. He's pretty agile and really fast for a dude that size. It's not going to catapult them to stardom, but they do put on fun matches, and this was a solid win for them.
Then came more bullshit from Michael and Colin as they walked around backstage quipping with one another, then they see EC3 just hanging out looking in a mirror and spraying himself with oil, then Titus O'Neil wants a picture with just Michael and No Way Jose and his conga line start parading around them. Hey, at least these guys had something to do tonight.
And then we got an announcement and video package surrounding Torrie Wilson being the next inductee into the 2019 HOF. Now, those of you who've been reading these columns for a while know that I know next to nothing about just about anything WWE prior to Summerslam 2015 (with the exception of watching WWF as a kid and as an adult, watching CM Punk's greatest rivalries, promos and matches), so I know nothing at all about Wilson. But while I was watching this evening beside The Manager, who was pretty in-the-know about the Attitude Era, I asked her if Torrie was a "trailblazer" as Michael Cole proclaimed that she was, and The Manager responded simply, "Not really". So good for Torrie Wilson, I guess.
Then we got another backstage interview with Charly talking to Charlotte about whether or not she thought Becky would sign the Hold Harmless, and Charlotte said that Becky's stubbornness guaranteed that she would. She hilariously called Becky arrogant (because heels have no self-awareness at all) and said that Becky was a one-legged competitor in an ass-kicking contest, and the outcome would be that Charlotte would win the title at Fastlane and the WWE Universe would bask in her glory. Way to steal Keith Lee's catchphrase, Charlotte. Oh, and by the way, did Charlotte have work done again? Her face looked really puffy and her cheekbones and lips looked different.
Then we got another backstage segment (remember, this is a go-home show) where Seth was the one to walk up to Dean and Crossfit Jesus forgave him his trespasses, saying that brothers fight sometimes, and when it comes right down to it, Dean is his wrestling soulmate, which was a pretty bold statement, but Deano interrupted Seth before he could get around to asking to be a part of The Shield again, and he simply said, "No can do" and that he had to do this for himself. Then Elias was introduced prior to the commercial break. And can we discuss the fucking commercial breaks on this episode? They seemed really awkward or just plain awful at some key moments, one in particular that we'll get to later. But after the break, it seemed like Elias had started his set already, and of course, dumped on all of the Philadelphia sports teams to get that good heat going, and it particularly made me giggle when he mentioned the literal consumption of horse shit. But then Dean came out to start their match.
This match served one purpose and told another story, and the in-match story was of Dean's back. Dean came out still hurting from the guitar shot from earlier, and he and Elias had a pretty decent match. Elias in particular sold the hell out of a barricade slam, and as we came back from a commercial break, Elias decided to go Old School, and just when it seemed like Dean hit his stride, his back started acting up and he was on the top rope and was coming down to hit a double axe-handle but Elias hit him with a nasty as hell knee strike that hit him right on the button. And it was all academic from there as he hit Drift Away for the win. Then Roman's music hit again, and he and Seth came out to help their fallen brother once again, and once again, Dean refused their help and decided to walk out through the crowd. But when that happened, McIntyre, Corbin and Lashley came out and said that they were going to offer them an opportunity to take them on at Fastlane as The Shield, but since Ambrose didn't seem to want it, they were just going to finish them right then and there, and they surrounded the ring Shield-style and then began their three-on-two attack. Ambrose watched from above, obviously agonizing over the decision, but the decision was made, and Deano rushed the ring and helped his brothers clean house, and when Roman and Dean did the fist-bump, Dean was still shaking his head and pacing around the ring until he finally put his fist in the center. So, if you thought they were going to possibly tease this out, you thought wrong, so the match is made for Fastlane as The Shield's last ride. Also, as a side note, before the match, the commentary team reminded us again that Dean is leaving the company soon, and last week, I was 100% convinced that Dean was truly on his way out. Now... I'm honestly at about 80%, because this is the kind of angle that could get Dean reinvested, but if it's a money thing or if it's a booking thing or if it's just a "I need to get the hell out of here" thing, I'm still firmly on the side of thinking that this isn't a work. But I've been fooled before.
Then we got Tamina with Nia Jax at ringside vs Sasha Banks with Bayley in her corner. I'm going to state this for the record; I honestly believe, out of all the competitors in WWE currently, the one that I'm convinced is there strictly for legacy reasons is Tamina. She's nothing on the mic, and for all the time she's been in WWE, she's not very good in the ring either. She doesn't really seem to have much chemistry with anyone, and she just has her size to boast of and nothing else. Anyway, Nia saved her from a Bank Statement submission loss, and then grabbed onto Sasha before she got back in the ring and Tamina hit another one of her super-lame superkicks for the win.
Then there were more (sarcasm alert) hilarious shenanigans with Michael and Colin as Colin proclaimed there was nothing to fear about being back there, and then Braun confronted him and Colin asked if any of this was real, and Braun lifted Colin a foot off the ground with a double choke-hold. Another weird commercial break came, and after the break, Colin was still up there and a whole bunch of backstage staff, including good ol' Fit Finley, pulled Braun off of Colin after Michael declared that Colin was stupid in general. Ugh.
Then came the surprise matchup of the night, which was The Revival vs Aleister Black and Ricochet for the Raw Tag titles. This seemed like a really weird match to make, but it meant seeing one of the most overlooked tag teams in all of WWE square off against two of the best that NXT (or all of WWE, for that matter) has to offer for a match with real stakes. This isn't the match that I would have booked, because I would have booked Gargano and Ciampa against The Revival for this match, but if Tommaso is really dealing with an injury, this was definitely the right call. This wasn't much of a match, but damn, everyone here looked like a million bucks. Scott Dawson is deceptively fast. Of course, this was ruined by Bobby Roode and Chad Gable who came out to cause a DQ loss as they beat down Dawson outside of the ring. They got into the ring and into Aleister and Ricochet's faces, arguing that they were more deserving of this title shot than the NXT newbies were. The fists flew and Roode and Gable were forced out of the ring, and just as it seemed that Black and Ric were going to hit stereo over-the-top-rope shots on them, they went into their respective fake outs at the same time in perfect synchronicity. I know that's just a cool spot, but goddamn, it was just amazing.
Then came the segment that I'm honestly still wrestling (no pun intended) with myself about, and that's the Hold Harmless signing segment. We had Stephanie in the ring with another rewind to last week's events of Ronda laying down the Raw Women's title belt at Steph's feet, and then she introduced Charlotte and Becky, still on a crutch. It's important to preface this segment with some context surrounding this past week's social media exchanges between Becky and Ronda. Ronda seemed to think that she got in some good shots (one particularly heinous one was a shot of Becky having Ronda in the Dis-Arm-Her, and Ronda stated that it looked like the penis Becky apparently wants), but Becky still slayed her using Twitter and Photoshop as she put a picture of Ronda's husband's face on the end of what Ronnie was calling her "dick", and then Photoshopped Ronnie's face onto Tommy Wiseau's head (well, technically, it was James Franco playing Tommy), and then wore a shirt to this weekend's UFC fight saying "I Own Ronnie". This has apparently gotten some backstage heat between the two, particularly Ronda, among WWE execs as she used some vulgarity in her responses (to which Becky said Ronda had gone "full Russo" in one response). So now you have some context. Anyway, right before she signed, Charlotte said that Steph should give her the title right now, but Becky Balboa was quick to retort that she beat Charlotte on one good leg at the Royal Rumble, and that she would do so again. But just as Becky signed the Hold Harmless, suddenly Ronda came storming in from the back and... then we got another fucking commercial break!! What the fuck is going on here? Was she five minutes walking distance away?
Anyway, coming back from commercial, Ronda stormed up to the ring and asked Stephanie what she was doing, to which Stephanie replied that Ronda left her with no choice, and then Ronda said that she never relinquished the title, but rather gave WWE a week to come to their senses and reinstate Becky, and now that they did, she demanded her title back. Steph handed it over, but said that the match between Charlotte and Becky was still happening at Fastlane, and then changed the stipulation of the match, stating that if Becky lost, she would lose her opportunity at Mania, but if she won, it would become a triple threat match for the title. Then Ronda, seemingly out of nowhere, declared that she knew that she had enough money to do whatever she wanted (a truly heel thing to say), said that she pretty much hated the fans because they cheered for Becky and booed her during her Survivor Series match at Staples Center against Charlotte (a super heel thing to say) and basically that if the fans weren't there for her, she wasn't going to be there for them, and she wasn't going to be their performing monkey anymore. Then she kicked Charlotte and attacked the already-injured Lynch, putting her in the armbar three separate times, beating her down, and standing over The Man with her foot on her neck while holding her title aloft. You'd think that would be the end of the show, right? Well, this is WWE and it's a go-home, so they had about another five minutes of Charly talking to Stephanie and basically Steph said that she was disgusted by Ronda's behavior out there just then and that she has been proven right all along, and it's a really fucking weird day when you find yourself agreeing with Stephanie McMahon over someone that was supposed to be your babyface megastar champion.
This whole turn of events has given me whiplash, and goes to prove that WWE doesn't believe in long-term storytelling or planning. Look at the last year: Becky Lynch went from underdog babyface to full heel to anti-hero tweener and became the hottest personality in all of the business, and Ronda Rousey went from a potential train wreck to surprisingly talented to shockingly phenomenal and all the while as a babyface. Charlotte went from babyface to tweener to full shitheel. And the whole reason that Charlotte was apparently being inserted into the title picture at Mania was to take some of the heat off Ronda so that she could continue to be babyface. And now, we have a shitheel in Charlotte, an Austin-esque anti-hero tweener in Becky, and now an entitled crybaby heel in Ronda. Now, the speculation that Ronda was going to take some time off after Mania to start a family is in overdrive because why else would she turn full heel this close to Mania unless she planned on dropping the title? But then why would this match need Charlotte to take all the heat if the plan was to have Ronda turn heel? Should the stipulation remain the same? Should it now be that if Becky wins, Charlotte loses her chance at the Mania spot, and we get to have the one-on-one match we all really wanted? Or what if a chunk of this heel turn was a work/shoot? Does Ronda really not have the ability to take the boos, and she really believed everything she said on Raw? I honestly don't know if this new angle is inspired genius to really put over Becky at Mania, or if it's all incredibly stupid and shows a complete lack of foresight and a real lack of character from the Baddest Woman on the Planet, but what I do know is that I really don't have to pretend to like Ronda anymore and can start actively rooting against her like I've always wanted to do.
Now onto Smackdown!
We started with The New Daniel Bryan and Rowan in the ring with him standing in silence as he points to the Tron for a video package recap of last week's contract signing where Kofi Kingston was replaced by Kevin Owens at the behest of Vince. D-Bry then goes on to say how glad he is that Kofi is no longer in the match because he didn't deserve it. But then he comments that his opponent was changed from someone who copiously distributes pancakes to someone who copiously devours pancakes and begins running down KO, and says that he needs to be champ because if he loses then the planet loses, and he talks again of being a martyr, and is interrupted by KO, who starts in on Bryan for being a pretentious jackass, and even throws out a "Yep!" when Bryan starts in with fat jokes and Owens wonders why such an intellectual giant would resort to such low-brow humor, and wonders why Daniel needs a 7-foot "backup dancer" in Rowan. Of course Bryan refers to Rowan as his sole intellectual peer and his friend, something that KO doesn't have. And KO confesses that Bryan is right and that he's to blame for the friends he's lost, but he's still going to take his championship at Fastlane. Rowan gets in front of him and KO attacks him and tries to hit the Stunner again on Bryan but is pushed into Rowan who does a face-claw slam. So we're at a point where we're in a Bizarro universe where Daniel Bryan is the heel and Kevin Owens is the babyface. KO really does still have the skills when it comes to mic work, but yes, his natural disposition as far as his best mic work is as a heel, but he still gets some good shots in. And as God as my witness, I prayed so hard that when Bryan said that KO had no friends left that Owens would have said that he still had one, and that Sami Zayn would come out, but that was not to be.
Next up were Jey Uso with brother Jimmy with Jey scheduled to take on Miz. First, both brothers cut a promo making fun of Miz and his constant throwing around of terms like "BFF" and "co-besties" when it came to Shane, and then made fun of Shane's tendency to jump off everything and also about his shoes (but agreed that Shane had strong shoe game) and continued into a firey promo about how they were going to retain and then Shane and Miz came out to cut their own promos, and it was mostly Miz talking about how he was going to make Shane proud and his dad proud at Fastlane since it's going to be in Cleveland. The brothers tried cheap shots, but Shane and Miz dumped them over the top rope, and the matchup started during the commercial break in the Picture-in-Picture. PiP is one of those things that I feel like should either always be used or not at all because it's so inconsistent. But the action was going pretty fast, and Uce went in for a hip check on Miz against the turnbuckle and missed his head by about a foot, but Miz still sold it, which is a pretty rare botch for either of the Usos. But Jimmy tried to get in on the action, and Shane took him out, and while Jey was about to do a suicide dive to get Shane, Miz made him pay, and got him with The Skull-Crushing Finale for the win. I can't say too much about this feud, but I can almost always say that The Usos have some major skills and... well, we'll put a pin in that for the Hopes and Predictions column coming this week!
Then we went to Kayla Braxton backstage doing an interview with Charlotte, who says how much she misses her "best friend" Becky and she really just wants to sit down with her tonight if she'll come tonight so they can have a quiet chat about Becky's well-being, and signs off with a Woo and a Wink.
Then we get R-Truth and Carmella coming out to the ring to issue another open challenge for the US title. When given the chance, Truth really does let his comedic side shine as he still wishes to emulate his "childhood" hero John Cena, but he also didn't realize that Cena did this every week and he's tired. Mella reminds Truth that he should live by Cena saying "never give up" to which Truth responded that Cena also says "you can't see me" but he sees Cena all the time; in his John Cena posters, in his John Cena bedsheets, and even he saw a movie with a car that turns into an alien robot and Cena was in that too! A 7-second dance break ensues and he calls on whoever is going to be his challenger, and Lacey Fucking Evans comes out again and goes back out again, but at least this time, someone acknowledges her presence as Truth shouts, "Come back, Miss Sexy Gloves!" He then turned to Mella and said that Lacey "don't want none". I have to say that I just loved this whole opening, R-Truth is really very funny. Mileage on his humor might vary, but it was good stuff last week and tonight. But then his actual competitor comes out and it's Samoa Joe. But wait! As soon as Joe gets in the ring, Rey Mysterio's music hits and he rushes out. But wait again! Andrade's music hits, and he walks into the ring, and suddenly, Truth is faced with a fatal 4-way for the title and he just stands there looking bewildered, but a fucking commercial break came. Speaking of which, what the hell is up with all the shitty commercial breaks this week? Because we didn't get any PiP and when we came back, the match had already started and Joe was standing tall in the ring with most of the opponents scattered. He worked on Rey for a bit and then hit him with a truly frightening suicide dive. Joe picks at the bodies littered about the ringside, and tries to throw Rey over the barricade, but Truth hits him with a kick from behind and that sends us to another break. When we come back, Andrade is hitting Three Amigos on Rey, mocking his friendship with Eddie Guerrero (and reminding us that this rivalry is definitely still lit), but Rey is not out yet. Unfortunately for him, neither are Joe or Truth. It's a series of pinfall breakups and some outside action as Zelina Vega hits a 'rana on Truth and Mella hits Zelina with a superkick, and now Rey has Andrade down and hits a frog splash on him and had him pinned until Joe came back in and hit Rey with a massive falling elbow shot to break it up one more time, picked up Andrade, and spiked him with an earth-shattering sky-high uranage for the win! Yes, Samoa Joe is our new United States Champion! I'll tell you, this match was terrific. It was fun, it had great spots, it was exciting and dramatic and shocking. It was more of that Booking 101 that you want to see on a more regular basis. And Joe finally has a belt on the main roster! So this whole match was just all-around excellent.
Then we got a quick video of The New Day who are on a press tour in Mumbai, and they said that while they're obviously not there for this episode, they're going to be back for Fastlane. So there's that. But then Aleister Black's music hits and we get his cool-as-hell entrance and he and Ricochet are going to face The Bar when they come back, but it's also been made official that the Raw Tag Team title match will indeed be a triple threat between The Revival, Roode and Gable and Aleister and Ricochet!
We come back from the break, and Ricochet makes his own cool-as-hell entrance (with one of my favorite pieces of entrance music for any wrestler), but it cuts to Kayla interviewing Joe after his win, and he says he doesn't really give a damn about who comes after him, and makes a veiled reference to John Cena, and that he's going to do anything to keep his title, so yeah, it's almost 100% guaranteed it's going to be Joe vs Cena at Mania for the title. And then The Bar make their entrance, and on their way to the ring, The Manager, who is as always sitting beside me during all things WWE, turns to me and says, "I don't want to see 'Open for Business' across Sheamus's crotch," referring to how he had their merch tucked into the front of his kilt. It starts with Ricochet vs Sheamus, and Ric gets kicked to the outside and then we get another PiP commercial break and Sheamus and Cesaro have taken full control as Ricochet sells like crazy. He finally gets an opening after a spiking DDT on Cesaro and Aleister gets the hot tag and comes in like a house on fire and hits Sheamus with one of the most devastating knee strikes I've ever seen him hit. I thought his mohawked head was going to pop right off his shoulders after that one. Offense goes back and forth, but the babyfaces get it done as Aleister hits a somewhat off-kilter Black Mass on Cesaro and tags in Ricochet to hit the 630 for the win. The post-match celebration is disrupted by a rush-in by Shinsuke and Rusev, beating down the NXT call-ups, but The Hardys come out to make the save with a few Twists of Fate and Ricochet hitting a plancha on the heels on the outside. So we're probably looking at an 8-man tag next week, unless Aleister and Ricochet... you know what? Let's put a pin in that for the Hopes and Predictions column!
Then we get Mandy Rose with Sonya Deville in her corner as she takes on Naomi. And off one fucking distraction, Mandy hits her finisher, and it's a fucking squash for Mandy. One women's match and it's a fucking squash of Naomi! Why is Mandy Fucking Rose being given squashes? On Naomi?!?!?!?!? It just doesn't make a single lick of sense. If you want Mandy Rose to squash someone, get some local talent to job out, not Naomi, for Christ's sake! Can you tell that I 1000% hated every aspect of this "match"? Anyway, Mandy and Sonya are headed back up the ramp congratulating themselves, but up from behind them pops up Asuka, who proceeds to destroy Fire and Desire. This was just all wrong. I'm glad that The Empress looked strong after her beatdown of the heels, and I know that Mandy has to have some momentum to make her look like a legit competitor against Asuka for the Smackdown Women's title at Fastlane, but why would Vince book this match? Is this somehow punishment for Naomi and Jimmy's incident with the police last month? Because that's literally the only explanation I can think of to have two women who should be having a slobber-knocker of a grudge match to have Mandy squash Naomi.
Then, since it's a go-home, we have another backstage segment with Kayla interviewing A.J. Styles about the situation with Kofi and KO, and he puts Kofi over as a good babyface should do (wasn't he supposed to be all super-aggro after beating up Vince?) and he also understands KO's situation as well, and says that title opportunities don't come around often and you should grab them when you can, but he continues to say that Kofi should still get his opportunity, and then Randy Orton sidles up to A.J. and asks him if he's serious about how anyone but A.J. should get any championship opportunity and remarks that this is the reason that it took him 15 years to get to the WWE, so yeah, we're getting Orton vs Styles at Mania, which is another match that A.J. shouldn't get. He should be having a massive throwdown with someone of equal talent, and not someone who really doesn't seem to care about competing at all.
Then we get Kevin Owens vs Rowan with Daniel Bryan on commentary. Of course, Daniel remarks to Owens, after he's tossed out of the ring, that he didn't have knee surgery because of how hard he worked in the ring, but how lazy he is, and of course, KO attacked him, Rowan got him from behind, and then Bryan started in on him causing the DQ. And both Bryan and Rowan started in on Owens, and who would come to save the day? None other than Mustafa Ali! Yay! I still wished it had been Zayn, but still, my hometown boy is back, and looking damn good as both he and KO stood tall in the ring, sending Bryan and Rowan to the back. This was a far too short affair for any party involved, except for Ali, who's just come back from his eye injury. I was really looking forward to hearing Bryan talk a bunch of trash and KO possibly overcoming the odds, but there was still one segment to get to, and this is a pretty standard heel-on-commentary outcome, and I'm honestly starting to wonder if KO is going to start using the Stunner as his finisher rather than the Pop-Up Powerbomb.
And for our big finale, we had the "quiet chat" between Charlotte and Becky. Charlotte started out in the ring and we got a video package recap of the previous night's episode of Raw where Ronda turned heel and beat Becky pretty badly. Charlotte heeled it up as she suggested that Becky would come out to the ring to meet her if they started chanting for her as she halfheartedly chanted her name. Becky came out, still on her crutch, and grabbed a mic. She said that she took Ronnie's best and was still coming out to meet her, and that she knew that she was in Charlotte's head and certainly in Ronda's head as well, and that she's at her most dangerous now because she has nothing to lose, and that she'd beaten Charlotte already with just one good leg. Charlotte then started attacking her by kicking away her crutch and knocking her down. Charlotte seemed to have the upper hand, but that ended somewhat quickly as Becky twisted through, and got Charlotte down and put her in the Dis-Arm-Her and refs and backstage management had to rush out to break it up amongst chants of "Let them fight". Becky, still hobbling, stood tall in the ring as Charlotte backed away. This was a segment that I'm of two minds about. First, I understand that this is the hottest storyline that WWE has going right now and the fans in the arenas want to see as much of Becky as possible, but on the other hand, I used to think that too much would never be enough of The Man, but I'm starting to feel a little cooled off on this feud. WWE is really spending a lot of time selling us on how important this feud is and how important this story is, and it's done so to the detriment of other performers. Look at how little time Asuka's title match has gotten, and Becky and Charlotte closed out both Raw and Smackdown this week. We're going to get more into the importance (or unimportance) of Fastlane when I put up my Hopes and Predictions column later this week, but frankly, this feud needs a break for a week or so. We can have one of them on one show next week just to let us out of it for a bit so they can heat it back up again when they need to.
So we have another pair of go-home shows come and gone now, and Raw certainly did not live up to what it was last week, but it pretty much met our standard expectations of it being a go-home, and Smackdown definitely had some ups and downs, but had one really strong match that pretty much sustained the show for its run time.
So stay tuned for my recap of NXT late Thursday night and sometime this week, you'll get my Hopes and Predictions column (have I mentioned that yet?) for Fastlane!
Until next time, kids...
Raw opened with The Big Dog's music hitting to another big pop. Roman walked in and soaked in the crowd. He made his way to the ring as we got a video recap of him opening last week and announcing that he was in remission, and he began by saying that last week was the comeback, but this week, he's here to take the yard back. He continued by stating that there was only one thing that was really on his mind, and it involved his brother Seth Rollins, so he called him out to the ring. Seth came out and said that he was confident as hell, inspired by Roman's fight, and that he was going to to slay The Beast at Mania and bring back the Universal title to Raw every week, but he figured that if there was anyone else deserving of a title shot, it was Roman, since he also knew the pain of having to relinquish a title that he never lost. But if Roman called him to the ring, he was pretty sure that he knew it had to do with that. But Roman corrected him! He said that he realized that since he was gone, the only person holding this place together was Seth and he recognized that he was due his match at Mania against Brock Lesnar, and that the thing he was going to discuss with Seth was that, in realizing how short life can be and how tomorrow can't be guaranteed, Roman wanted to talk to Seth about "getting the band back together" for one last time, because he wanted to ride with The Shield one last time. Seth was understandably hesitant because he just knows that Dean betrayed him, and was especially hurtful was the night he did it, but Roman posed the question of whether or not The Shield should reunite to the crowd, and they popped like mad. Seth agreed that he should leave Dean's betrayal in the past and they should do it one more time. Roman asked Dean to come out to discuss it, Dean's music hit, he paced around the stage for a bit not saying anything, and just as he was bringing the mic to his lips, Elias appeared from behind and gave Dean another guitar shot and then beat a quick retreat into the back as Roman and Seth raced to Dean's side. They tried to help him up, but Dean ended up waving them off and headed to the back himself. So... this is really good for a few reasons: first, it guarantees that Seth vs Brock is going to remain Seth vs Brock and not some kind of triple-threat involving Roman. Second, WWE is going to want to milk the hell out of any Shield merch they can continue to hawk while Dean is still around. Third, it gives us a redemption arc for Dean, so he's doing something else other than just having weird matches. And this gets a little more interesting in the very next segment as Charly was backstage interviewing Drew McIntyre, Baron Corbin and Bobby Lashley (and Lio Rush is there as well), and Drew boasts that he was the one that broke The Shield months ago, and Corbin reiterated that The Shield isn't the dominant faction anymore, and that they are, and they were going to go out and prove that in a six-man tag against Finn Balor, Kurt Angle and Braun Strowman. So, while this is a set-up for yet another textbook example of a go-home tag match, it's also the presentation of a possible 5-man faction (Drew, Baron, Bobby, Lio, and Elias) to face off against the three men of The Shield.
Next up was that six-man tag. Strowman started up against Corbin, who keeps trying to use his vest as a distraction, but The Monster Among Men got the upper hand pretty quickly. He tagged in Balor, and he had all three competitors on the outside and was about to go for another Tope but he was leg-swept by Rush on the outside in a really impressively-timed moment. This gave the heels the upper hand again. This match had the unfortunate placement of Kurt Angle who was (correctly, I might add) called out by the heels in that backstage segment for wanting to desperately prove that somehow he's still got it, and he just doesn't. He's just looking so tired so fast. I get it; I'm 44 and I get winded just going up the staircase at my house. And this is an Olympian. But after years of the abuse of painkillers, and age taking its toll on his body. He can still do a few German Suplexes and the Angle Slam, but every single time he does it, he looks like he's going to break his freakin' neck again. I know that this is likely leading up to a Mania match that will also effectively be his retirement match, but I'm just not looking forward to it. Anyway, back to the match. So Strowman is going for his express train rush for Lashley near the end of the match but Bobby sidesteps and Lio ends up eating it right through the timekeeper's area, and for a moment, I was certain that Lio was dead. But Lashley ends up spearing Finn for the win, and this led to the heels beating down both Finn and bouncing Kurt off some steel steps. If we do get a Shield reunion (we are), then we have the team they're going to face. I know that this won't be the first time we'll see The Shield square off against this faction, but it's 99% likely that this will be the last time.
Then there was a backstage segment where Charly was interviewing Heavy Machinery, and they cut to a locker room tape of The Ascension, The B-Team and Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins running down Otis. Otis hilariously said that it hurt his feelings, and then Tucky said that they were going to talk to the McMahons in order to get a match where they would face all of those teams.
Then came Natalya vs Ruby Riott with the Riott Squad at ringside. This was another match that further contributed to the ruination of Ruby as a competitor. I know that she had her longer match against Ronda after Elimination Chamber as opposed to the 90-second squash at Elimination Chamber, but that didn't do much for her either in retrospect, and now she just doesn't look or feel legit any longer, at least as a singles competitor. Hell, Morgan and Logan feel like stronger competitors at this point, and that's a shame, because Ruby looked strong as hell through most of her NXT run, and I never got that feeling about either Morgan or Logan. I think the problem here is that they made her the leader of a heel stable that's never been particularly dominant. Of course, if Ronda had not dominated the landscape for the better part of her time in WWE, things might be different, but this is where we are, so I think that Ruby needs some time away from TV and some repackaging. There could be a story that has some in-fighting within the Squad and then Liv and Sarah turn on Ruby so Ruby can come back as a face. She might be a decent midcarder if they decide to go that route, but right now, after losing again via roll-up, she's just not creating any kind of excitement anymore. But things got even worse after the match as Nattie high-tailed it out of the ring before the other members of the Squad could get their hands on her, and then Lacey Fucking Evans' music hit did her catwalk bullshit. I do not understand why they're deciding to make Evans this "refined southern belle" heel when everything about her real life makes her seem like a real Rosie-the-Riveter badass babyface. I didn't care for it in NXT, but at least she, y'know, wrestled in NXT.
Then we got the "celebrity guests" of the evening in SNL's Weekend Update team of Michael Che and Colin Jost backstage with Stephanie. I guess it doesn't help that I haven't watched any single episode of SNL in decades. Look, to me, even in their glory days of '75 to '80, SNL was mostly a suck-fest. I know it's hard to put together 90 minutes of a good show every week, but that hasn't stopped them. Hell, in a lot of ways, SNL and WWE are very similar, but SNL takes long breaks and WWE doesn't. When an episode of Raw or SD is bad, we know it and so do they; they might not care, but at least they know there's a problem. When SNL is bad, they still think that they're the funniest people ever. So I couldn't care one way or the other if these two are going to be special correspondents or whatever at Mania. They'll likely have a few shitty throwaway jokes, and that'll be it.
Then we had what I think is the most uncomfortable portion of the evening, and that was Triple H coming out to address Batista's actions at Naitch's 70th birthday bash. The promo led off with an Instagram post from The Animal saying that he was glad that he got Hunter's attention, but he wasn't going to be there this week since he doesn't like Philly. He might be in Pittsburgh, though. Then Hunter went off about how they weren't there to celebrate the 70th birthday of Ric Flair, but rather of Richard Fleihr, the man behind the character, a man that he spent years of his life traveling with and being there for one another in the best and worst of times. Then Trips talked about being at Ric's side at the funeral of his son. This always makes me incredibly uncomfortable when they use real-life tragedy as part of a work or promo. I remember when Paige turned heel on Charlotte when PCB was still a thing and she mentioned Charlotte's brother in a contract-signing promo for the Divas championship, and it felt really fucking gross. This wasn't anywhere near as bad as that, but it's just one of those things that feels like it should really be better left alone. Anyway, Hunter then went on to talk about how this same time last year, Ric was in a coma and seemed like he wasn't going to survive it. It's really weird to see Hunter get "emotional" in his promos, and it's especially weird to see him play babyface in a feud, but then came the usual fired-up name-calling and how Batista doesn't have the balls to face him man-to-man, and how, when they face off, The Animal isn't going to see the character of Triple H, but the man behind it. Hunter can cut strong promos, but the issue here is that I don't want to root for Hunter the character because he's been behind every super-shitty and underhanded tactic over the last several years, or even really Paul the man, but that's only because I fucking love Dave Bautista the man because he's just one of the coolest dudes on the planet. So bring on the Mania match. I'm still here for The Animal rather than The Game.
We also got Steph stating that she's determined that Ronda Rousey has vacated the Raw Women's title and realizes that Raw needs a champion, so she decides to lift the suspension and withdraw all criminal charges against Becky Lynch and put her and Charlotte in a one-on-one match for the vacated title at Fastlane, but first, Becks has to sign a Hold Harmless contract since she's still kayfabe injured. Now, I was a little uneasy about this match being announced so casually since there are, y'know, other women on Raw that might like that shot, and both Becky and Charlotte are technically still on Smackdown, but this is just further proof that A: the kayfabe brand split is bogus, and B: this is still the hottest story in pro wrestling right now.
Then came another backstage segment with Dean getting ready for his match later with Elias back in the dingy corners of the arena and Roman finds him to let him know that if he wants to talk to him, he can. Dean dismisses that, and says that he can't talk now, and he needs to get ready, so yeah, this is the second sign of the evening that a Shield reunion is happening.
Then we finally get a match, and that's Heavy Machinery doing a Gauntlet match against B-Team, Ascension and Ryder and Hawkins. First comes in Dallas and Axel, and Otis to start and they do away with them pretty quickly as they hit the Compactor on Dallas for the win. The Ascension is in immediately and try to build some momentum, but Otis hit Viktor with a Vader Bomb for that pinfall, and then it was Curt coming in trying to get that long overdue win, he tagged in Ryder, who hit a really solid slingshot splash, but as soon as Hawkins was back in the ring, Tucker took out Zack and Otis did The Caterpillar for the win. This is becoming a staple of go-homes lately, but this was an extremely short match, and I've said that, if nothing else, Dozer is really impressive. He's pretty agile and really fast for a dude that size. It's not going to catapult them to stardom, but they do put on fun matches, and this was a solid win for them.
Then came more bullshit from Michael and Colin as they walked around backstage quipping with one another, then they see EC3 just hanging out looking in a mirror and spraying himself with oil, then Titus O'Neil wants a picture with just Michael and No Way Jose and his conga line start parading around them. Hey, at least these guys had something to do tonight.
And then we got an announcement and video package surrounding Torrie Wilson being the next inductee into the 2019 HOF. Now, those of you who've been reading these columns for a while know that I know next to nothing about just about anything WWE prior to Summerslam 2015 (with the exception of watching WWF as a kid and as an adult, watching CM Punk's greatest rivalries, promos and matches), so I know nothing at all about Wilson. But while I was watching this evening beside The Manager, who was pretty in-the-know about the Attitude Era, I asked her if Torrie was a "trailblazer" as Michael Cole proclaimed that she was, and The Manager responded simply, "Not really". So good for Torrie Wilson, I guess.
Then we got another backstage interview with Charly talking to Charlotte about whether or not she thought Becky would sign the Hold Harmless, and Charlotte said that Becky's stubbornness guaranteed that she would. She hilariously called Becky arrogant (because heels have no self-awareness at all) and said that Becky was a one-legged competitor in an ass-kicking contest, and the outcome would be that Charlotte would win the title at Fastlane and the WWE Universe would bask in her glory. Way to steal Keith Lee's catchphrase, Charlotte. Oh, and by the way, did Charlotte have work done again? Her face looked really puffy and her cheekbones and lips looked different.
Then we got another backstage segment (remember, this is a go-home show) where Seth was the one to walk up to Dean and Crossfit Jesus forgave him his trespasses, saying that brothers fight sometimes, and when it comes right down to it, Dean is his wrestling soulmate, which was a pretty bold statement, but Deano interrupted Seth before he could get around to asking to be a part of The Shield again, and he simply said, "No can do" and that he had to do this for himself. Then Elias was introduced prior to the commercial break. And can we discuss the fucking commercial breaks on this episode? They seemed really awkward or just plain awful at some key moments, one in particular that we'll get to later. But after the break, it seemed like Elias had started his set already, and of course, dumped on all of the Philadelphia sports teams to get that good heat going, and it particularly made me giggle when he mentioned the literal consumption of horse shit. But then Dean came out to start their match.
This match served one purpose and told another story, and the in-match story was of Dean's back. Dean came out still hurting from the guitar shot from earlier, and he and Elias had a pretty decent match. Elias in particular sold the hell out of a barricade slam, and as we came back from a commercial break, Elias decided to go Old School, and just when it seemed like Dean hit his stride, his back started acting up and he was on the top rope and was coming down to hit a double axe-handle but Elias hit him with a nasty as hell knee strike that hit him right on the button. And it was all academic from there as he hit Drift Away for the win. Then Roman's music hit again, and he and Seth came out to help their fallen brother once again, and once again, Dean refused their help and decided to walk out through the crowd. But when that happened, McIntyre, Corbin and Lashley came out and said that they were going to offer them an opportunity to take them on at Fastlane as The Shield, but since Ambrose didn't seem to want it, they were just going to finish them right then and there, and they surrounded the ring Shield-style and then began their three-on-two attack. Ambrose watched from above, obviously agonizing over the decision, but the decision was made, and Deano rushed the ring and helped his brothers clean house, and when Roman and Dean did the fist-bump, Dean was still shaking his head and pacing around the ring until he finally put his fist in the center. So, if you thought they were going to possibly tease this out, you thought wrong, so the match is made for Fastlane as The Shield's last ride. Also, as a side note, before the match, the commentary team reminded us again that Dean is leaving the company soon, and last week, I was 100% convinced that Dean was truly on his way out. Now... I'm honestly at about 80%, because this is the kind of angle that could get Dean reinvested, but if it's a money thing or if it's a booking thing or if it's just a "I need to get the hell out of here" thing, I'm still firmly on the side of thinking that this isn't a work. But I've been fooled before.
Then we got Tamina with Nia Jax at ringside vs Sasha Banks with Bayley in her corner. I'm going to state this for the record; I honestly believe, out of all the competitors in WWE currently, the one that I'm convinced is there strictly for legacy reasons is Tamina. She's nothing on the mic, and for all the time she's been in WWE, she's not very good in the ring either. She doesn't really seem to have much chemistry with anyone, and she just has her size to boast of and nothing else. Anyway, Nia saved her from a Bank Statement submission loss, and then grabbed onto Sasha before she got back in the ring and Tamina hit another one of her super-lame superkicks for the win.
Then there were more (sarcasm alert) hilarious shenanigans with Michael and Colin as Colin proclaimed there was nothing to fear about being back there, and then Braun confronted him and Colin asked if any of this was real, and Braun lifted Colin a foot off the ground with a double choke-hold. Another weird commercial break came, and after the break, Colin was still up there and a whole bunch of backstage staff, including good ol' Fit Finley, pulled Braun off of Colin after Michael declared that Colin was stupid in general. Ugh.
Then came the surprise matchup of the night, which was The Revival vs Aleister Black and Ricochet for the Raw Tag titles. This seemed like a really weird match to make, but it meant seeing one of the most overlooked tag teams in all of WWE square off against two of the best that NXT (or all of WWE, for that matter) has to offer for a match with real stakes. This isn't the match that I would have booked, because I would have booked Gargano and Ciampa against The Revival for this match, but if Tommaso is really dealing with an injury, this was definitely the right call. This wasn't much of a match, but damn, everyone here looked like a million bucks. Scott Dawson is deceptively fast. Of course, this was ruined by Bobby Roode and Chad Gable who came out to cause a DQ loss as they beat down Dawson outside of the ring. They got into the ring and into Aleister and Ricochet's faces, arguing that they were more deserving of this title shot than the NXT newbies were. The fists flew and Roode and Gable were forced out of the ring, and just as it seemed that Black and Ric were going to hit stereo over-the-top-rope shots on them, they went into their respective fake outs at the same time in perfect synchronicity. I know that's just a cool spot, but goddamn, it was just amazing.
Then came the segment that I'm honestly still wrestling (no pun intended) with myself about, and that's the Hold Harmless signing segment. We had Stephanie in the ring with another rewind to last week's events of Ronda laying down the Raw Women's title belt at Steph's feet, and then she introduced Charlotte and Becky, still on a crutch. It's important to preface this segment with some context surrounding this past week's social media exchanges between Becky and Ronda. Ronda seemed to think that she got in some good shots (one particularly heinous one was a shot of Becky having Ronda in the Dis-Arm-Her, and Ronda stated that it looked like the penis Becky apparently wants), but Becky still slayed her using Twitter and Photoshop as she put a picture of Ronda's husband's face on the end of what Ronnie was calling her "dick", and then Photoshopped Ronnie's face onto Tommy Wiseau's head (well, technically, it was James Franco playing Tommy), and then wore a shirt to this weekend's UFC fight saying "I Own Ronnie". This has apparently gotten some backstage heat between the two, particularly Ronda, among WWE execs as she used some vulgarity in her responses (to which Becky said Ronda had gone "full Russo" in one response). So now you have some context. Anyway, right before she signed, Charlotte said that Steph should give her the title right now, but Becky Balboa was quick to retort that she beat Charlotte on one good leg at the Royal Rumble, and that she would do so again. But just as Becky signed the Hold Harmless, suddenly Ronda came storming in from the back and... then we got another fucking commercial break!! What the fuck is going on here? Was she five minutes walking distance away?
Anyway, coming back from commercial, Ronda stormed up to the ring and asked Stephanie what she was doing, to which Stephanie replied that Ronda left her with no choice, and then Ronda said that she never relinquished the title, but rather gave WWE a week to come to their senses and reinstate Becky, and now that they did, she demanded her title back. Steph handed it over, but said that the match between Charlotte and Becky was still happening at Fastlane, and then changed the stipulation of the match, stating that if Becky lost, she would lose her opportunity at Mania, but if she won, it would become a triple threat match for the title. Then Ronda, seemingly out of nowhere, declared that she knew that she had enough money to do whatever she wanted (a truly heel thing to say), said that she pretty much hated the fans because they cheered for Becky and booed her during her Survivor Series match at Staples Center against Charlotte (a super heel thing to say) and basically that if the fans weren't there for her, she wasn't going to be there for them, and she wasn't going to be their performing monkey anymore. Then she kicked Charlotte and attacked the already-injured Lynch, putting her in the armbar three separate times, beating her down, and standing over The Man with her foot on her neck while holding her title aloft. You'd think that would be the end of the show, right? Well, this is WWE and it's a go-home, so they had about another five minutes of Charly talking to Stephanie and basically Steph said that she was disgusted by Ronda's behavior out there just then and that she has been proven right all along, and it's a really fucking weird day when you find yourself agreeing with Stephanie McMahon over someone that was supposed to be your babyface megastar champion.
This whole turn of events has given me whiplash, and goes to prove that WWE doesn't believe in long-term storytelling or planning. Look at the last year: Becky Lynch went from underdog babyface to full heel to anti-hero tweener and became the hottest personality in all of the business, and Ronda Rousey went from a potential train wreck to surprisingly talented to shockingly phenomenal and all the while as a babyface. Charlotte went from babyface to tweener to full shitheel. And the whole reason that Charlotte was apparently being inserted into the title picture at Mania was to take some of the heat off Ronda so that she could continue to be babyface. And now, we have a shitheel in Charlotte, an Austin-esque anti-hero tweener in Becky, and now an entitled crybaby heel in Ronda. Now, the speculation that Ronda was going to take some time off after Mania to start a family is in overdrive because why else would she turn full heel this close to Mania unless she planned on dropping the title? But then why would this match need Charlotte to take all the heat if the plan was to have Ronda turn heel? Should the stipulation remain the same? Should it now be that if Becky wins, Charlotte loses her chance at the Mania spot, and we get to have the one-on-one match we all really wanted? Or what if a chunk of this heel turn was a work/shoot? Does Ronda really not have the ability to take the boos, and she really believed everything she said on Raw? I honestly don't know if this new angle is inspired genius to really put over Becky at Mania, or if it's all incredibly stupid and shows a complete lack of foresight and a real lack of character from the Baddest Woman on the Planet, but what I do know is that I really don't have to pretend to like Ronda anymore and can start actively rooting against her like I've always wanted to do.
Now onto Smackdown!
We started with The New Daniel Bryan and Rowan in the ring with him standing in silence as he points to the Tron for a video package recap of last week's contract signing where Kofi Kingston was replaced by Kevin Owens at the behest of Vince. D-Bry then goes on to say how glad he is that Kofi is no longer in the match because he didn't deserve it. But then he comments that his opponent was changed from someone who copiously distributes pancakes to someone who copiously devours pancakes and begins running down KO, and says that he needs to be champ because if he loses then the planet loses, and he talks again of being a martyr, and is interrupted by KO, who starts in on Bryan for being a pretentious jackass, and even throws out a "Yep!" when Bryan starts in with fat jokes and Owens wonders why such an intellectual giant would resort to such low-brow humor, and wonders why Daniel needs a 7-foot "backup dancer" in Rowan. Of course Bryan refers to Rowan as his sole intellectual peer and his friend, something that KO doesn't have. And KO confesses that Bryan is right and that he's to blame for the friends he's lost, but he's still going to take his championship at Fastlane. Rowan gets in front of him and KO attacks him and tries to hit the Stunner again on Bryan but is pushed into Rowan who does a face-claw slam. So we're at a point where we're in a Bizarro universe where Daniel Bryan is the heel and Kevin Owens is the babyface. KO really does still have the skills when it comes to mic work, but yes, his natural disposition as far as his best mic work is as a heel, but he still gets some good shots in. And as God as my witness, I prayed so hard that when Bryan said that KO had no friends left that Owens would have said that he still had one, and that Sami Zayn would come out, but that was not to be.
Next up were Jey Uso with brother Jimmy with Jey scheduled to take on Miz. First, both brothers cut a promo making fun of Miz and his constant throwing around of terms like "BFF" and "co-besties" when it came to Shane, and then made fun of Shane's tendency to jump off everything and also about his shoes (but agreed that Shane had strong shoe game) and continued into a firey promo about how they were going to retain and then Shane and Miz came out to cut their own promos, and it was mostly Miz talking about how he was going to make Shane proud and his dad proud at Fastlane since it's going to be in Cleveland. The brothers tried cheap shots, but Shane and Miz dumped them over the top rope, and the matchup started during the commercial break in the Picture-in-Picture. PiP is one of those things that I feel like should either always be used or not at all because it's so inconsistent. But the action was going pretty fast, and Uce went in for a hip check on Miz against the turnbuckle and missed his head by about a foot, but Miz still sold it, which is a pretty rare botch for either of the Usos. But Jimmy tried to get in on the action, and Shane took him out, and while Jey was about to do a suicide dive to get Shane, Miz made him pay, and got him with The Skull-Crushing Finale for the win. I can't say too much about this feud, but I can almost always say that The Usos have some major skills and... well, we'll put a pin in that for the Hopes and Predictions column coming this week!
Then we went to Kayla Braxton backstage doing an interview with Charlotte, who says how much she misses her "best friend" Becky and she really just wants to sit down with her tonight if she'll come tonight so they can have a quiet chat about Becky's well-being, and signs off with a Woo and a Wink.
Then we get R-Truth and Carmella coming out to the ring to issue another open challenge for the US title. When given the chance, Truth really does let his comedic side shine as he still wishes to emulate his "childhood" hero John Cena, but he also didn't realize that Cena did this every week and he's tired. Mella reminds Truth that he should live by Cena saying "never give up" to which Truth responded that Cena also says "you can't see me" but he sees Cena all the time; in his John Cena posters, in his John Cena bedsheets, and even he saw a movie with a car that turns into an alien robot and Cena was in that too! A 7-second dance break ensues and he calls on whoever is going to be his challenger, and Lacey Fucking Evans comes out again and goes back out again, but at least this time, someone acknowledges her presence as Truth shouts, "Come back, Miss Sexy Gloves!" He then turned to Mella and said that Lacey "don't want none". I have to say that I just loved this whole opening, R-Truth is really very funny. Mileage on his humor might vary, but it was good stuff last week and tonight. But then his actual competitor comes out and it's Samoa Joe. But wait! As soon as Joe gets in the ring, Rey Mysterio's music hits and he rushes out. But wait again! Andrade's music hits, and he walks into the ring, and suddenly, Truth is faced with a fatal 4-way for the title and he just stands there looking bewildered, but a fucking commercial break came. Speaking of which, what the hell is up with all the shitty commercial breaks this week? Because we didn't get any PiP and when we came back, the match had already started and Joe was standing tall in the ring with most of the opponents scattered. He worked on Rey for a bit and then hit him with a truly frightening suicide dive. Joe picks at the bodies littered about the ringside, and tries to throw Rey over the barricade, but Truth hits him with a kick from behind and that sends us to another break. When we come back, Andrade is hitting Three Amigos on Rey, mocking his friendship with Eddie Guerrero (and reminding us that this rivalry is definitely still lit), but Rey is not out yet. Unfortunately for him, neither are Joe or Truth. It's a series of pinfall breakups and some outside action as Zelina Vega hits a 'rana on Truth and Mella hits Zelina with a superkick, and now Rey has Andrade down and hits a frog splash on him and had him pinned until Joe came back in and hit Rey with a massive falling elbow shot to break it up one more time, picked up Andrade, and spiked him with an earth-shattering sky-high uranage for the win! Yes, Samoa Joe is our new United States Champion! I'll tell you, this match was terrific. It was fun, it had great spots, it was exciting and dramatic and shocking. It was more of that Booking 101 that you want to see on a more regular basis. And Joe finally has a belt on the main roster! So this whole match was just all-around excellent.
Then we got a quick video of The New Day who are on a press tour in Mumbai, and they said that while they're obviously not there for this episode, they're going to be back for Fastlane. So there's that. But then Aleister Black's music hits and we get his cool-as-hell entrance and he and Ricochet are going to face The Bar when they come back, but it's also been made official that the Raw Tag Team title match will indeed be a triple threat between The Revival, Roode and Gable and Aleister and Ricochet!
We come back from the break, and Ricochet makes his own cool-as-hell entrance (with one of my favorite pieces of entrance music for any wrestler), but it cuts to Kayla interviewing Joe after his win, and he says he doesn't really give a damn about who comes after him, and makes a veiled reference to John Cena, and that he's going to do anything to keep his title, so yeah, it's almost 100% guaranteed it's going to be Joe vs Cena at Mania for the title. And then The Bar make their entrance, and on their way to the ring, The Manager, who is as always sitting beside me during all things WWE, turns to me and says, "I don't want to see 'Open for Business' across Sheamus's crotch," referring to how he had their merch tucked into the front of his kilt. It starts with Ricochet vs Sheamus, and Ric gets kicked to the outside and then we get another PiP commercial break and Sheamus and Cesaro have taken full control as Ricochet sells like crazy. He finally gets an opening after a spiking DDT on Cesaro and Aleister gets the hot tag and comes in like a house on fire and hits Sheamus with one of the most devastating knee strikes I've ever seen him hit. I thought his mohawked head was going to pop right off his shoulders after that one. Offense goes back and forth, but the babyfaces get it done as Aleister hits a somewhat off-kilter Black Mass on Cesaro and tags in Ricochet to hit the 630 for the win. The post-match celebration is disrupted by a rush-in by Shinsuke and Rusev, beating down the NXT call-ups, but The Hardys come out to make the save with a few Twists of Fate and Ricochet hitting a plancha on the heels on the outside. So we're probably looking at an 8-man tag next week, unless Aleister and Ricochet... you know what? Let's put a pin in that for the Hopes and Predictions column!
Then we get Mandy Rose with Sonya Deville in her corner as she takes on Naomi. And off one fucking distraction, Mandy hits her finisher, and it's a fucking squash for Mandy. One women's match and it's a fucking squash of Naomi! Why is Mandy Fucking Rose being given squashes? On Naomi?!?!?!?!? It just doesn't make a single lick of sense. If you want Mandy Rose to squash someone, get some local talent to job out, not Naomi, for Christ's sake! Can you tell that I 1000% hated every aspect of this "match"? Anyway, Mandy and Sonya are headed back up the ramp congratulating themselves, but up from behind them pops up Asuka, who proceeds to destroy Fire and Desire. This was just all wrong. I'm glad that The Empress looked strong after her beatdown of the heels, and I know that Mandy has to have some momentum to make her look like a legit competitor against Asuka for the Smackdown Women's title at Fastlane, but why would Vince book this match? Is this somehow punishment for Naomi and Jimmy's incident with the police last month? Because that's literally the only explanation I can think of to have two women who should be having a slobber-knocker of a grudge match to have Mandy squash Naomi.
Then, since it's a go-home, we have another backstage segment with Kayla interviewing A.J. Styles about the situation with Kofi and KO, and he puts Kofi over as a good babyface should do (wasn't he supposed to be all super-aggro after beating up Vince?) and he also understands KO's situation as well, and says that title opportunities don't come around often and you should grab them when you can, but he continues to say that Kofi should still get his opportunity, and then Randy Orton sidles up to A.J. and asks him if he's serious about how anyone but A.J. should get any championship opportunity and remarks that this is the reason that it took him 15 years to get to the WWE, so yeah, we're getting Orton vs Styles at Mania, which is another match that A.J. shouldn't get. He should be having a massive throwdown with someone of equal talent, and not someone who really doesn't seem to care about competing at all.
Then we get Kevin Owens vs Rowan with Daniel Bryan on commentary. Of course, Daniel remarks to Owens, after he's tossed out of the ring, that he didn't have knee surgery because of how hard he worked in the ring, but how lazy he is, and of course, KO attacked him, Rowan got him from behind, and then Bryan started in on him causing the DQ. And both Bryan and Rowan started in on Owens, and who would come to save the day? None other than Mustafa Ali! Yay! I still wished it had been Zayn, but still, my hometown boy is back, and looking damn good as both he and KO stood tall in the ring, sending Bryan and Rowan to the back. This was a far too short affair for any party involved, except for Ali, who's just come back from his eye injury. I was really looking forward to hearing Bryan talk a bunch of trash and KO possibly overcoming the odds, but there was still one segment to get to, and this is a pretty standard heel-on-commentary outcome, and I'm honestly starting to wonder if KO is going to start using the Stunner as his finisher rather than the Pop-Up Powerbomb.
And for our big finale, we had the "quiet chat" between Charlotte and Becky. Charlotte started out in the ring and we got a video package recap of the previous night's episode of Raw where Ronda turned heel and beat Becky pretty badly. Charlotte heeled it up as she suggested that Becky would come out to the ring to meet her if they started chanting for her as she halfheartedly chanted her name. Becky came out, still on her crutch, and grabbed a mic. She said that she took Ronnie's best and was still coming out to meet her, and that she knew that she was in Charlotte's head and certainly in Ronda's head as well, and that she's at her most dangerous now because she has nothing to lose, and that she'd beaten Charlotte already with just one good leg. Charlotte then started attacking her by kicking away her crutch and knocking her down. Charlotte seemed to have the upper hand, but that ended somewhat quickly as Becky twisted through, and got Charlotte down and put her in the Dis-Arm-Her and refs and backstage management had to rush out to break it up amongst chants of "Let them fight". Becky, still hobbling, stood tall in the ring as Charlotte backed away. This was a segment that I'm of two minds about. First, I understand that this is the hottest storyline that WWE has going right now and the fans in the arenas want to see as much of Becky as possible, but on the other hand, I used to think that too much would never be enough of The Man, but I'm starting to feel a little cooled off on this feud. WWE is really spending a lot of time selling us on how important this feud is and how important this story is, and it's done so to the detriment of other performers. Look at how little time Asuka's title match has gotten, and Becky and Charlotte closed out both Raw and Smackdown this week. We're going to get more into the importance (or unimportance) of Fastlane when I put up my Hopes and Predictions column later this week, but frankly, this feud needs a break for a week or so. We can have one of them on one show next week just to let us out of it for a bit so they can heat it back up again when they need to.
So we have another pair of go-home shows come and gone now, and Raw certainly did not live up to what it was last week, but it pretty much met our standard expectations of it being a go-home, and Smackdown definitely had some ups and downs, but had one really strong match that pretty much sustained the show for its run time.
So stay tuned for my recap of NXT late Thursday night and sometime this week, you'll get my Hopes and Predictions column (have I mentioned that yet?) for Fastlane!
Until next time, kids...
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